Our little brother

Can’t believe we lose yet another Alvin. Gone too soon and leaving behind 2 young kids. Missing your cheeky smile and happy go lucky self. Always ready for fun and never feeling too down for anything. So many memories. But big bro Alvyn will take care of you , Alvin Zhai. 

Alvyn

It’s been more than a month since his passing. Seems not so long ago we can hear him crack a joke, always jovial and positive about everything in life. He was always very enthusiastic and even in the condition he was in, he strides on with much gusto everyday. How does one do that ? I always admired his silent strength, celebrating small wins and taking joy in the smallest of things. He would never brush you off or dismiss you, whether you are a child or an adult or an elderly. He touched so many people and it’s evidentiary from the people we know. I remember wheeling him around the mall and he said “ hey this is so convenient, for everyone, perhaps you should encourage your dad to let you wheel him around too.” Yes that’s Alvyn. Without ego and always caring for others before himself. RIP Alvyn, I wish I could update you on what’s happening in the EV and automotive space, the friends you introduced to me and where we are at.  

Final Rite of Passage

It was 5am at Subang airport - made it to the wake finally at 8.30am. No one was there so I had some time looking at the photo compilation and saying my last prayer to Alvyn- that we will take care of everyone he loves in the family as we always do. I got to pick the songs for the final rites of passage right up to bringing back his ashes to the Novena home. 

U2 and Alvyn. 

The One and only who moved us in so many ways- Always a Song for Someone. You were Stuck in a moment you can’t get out of and while we wanted you to Stay , and fight Every Breaking Wave, you passed on … hope you Sleep Like A Baby Tonight. Whole and Magnificent.

We will now Walk On, With or Without You, we remember You with Pride … the Unforgettable Fire. 

Uncle Al

It has been a tough week. Just like that and Alvyn is gone now. He was the most patient and good natured person - always ever jovial, and if the topic interest him he is often strategic and insightful. We had so many wonderful memories of him, of things he would say and music he would share. Even the ICU had strange random acquaintances of his waiting silently - it showed how many people he has touched over the years. It also showed he has a great life and perhaps this is all for the best that he no longer suffer and that he can be whole again. Am thankful for the friends who were kind to comfort me this week. Till we meet again Alvyn. 

Yee Sang

Up to my 8th Yee Sang before the start of CNY. I am taking note because it’s a privilege and blessing to have gatherings of such where we usher in the new year. It didn’t matter if some groups are small- up to 3 people only even. It’s a testimony of friendships that last. Most are practically friends who grew up with me , seen me through everything. PS: looking forward to meet pah mid Feb!

I am however not obsessed with CNY decor and getting new clothes. I just feel it’s a waste of money and I try to be a minimalist. But this year I got some new clothes for myself and Lucas. He is older now so he no longer JUST wear whatever I want him to. Although 60% of the time he would oblige anyways. 

This year is also a year of I think work turmoil but here’s hoping a rather small one. I often joke about the company’s politics are really no different from Malaysia govt politics. They decide our fate unless you bother to rub the right shoulders in your favour. But at your deathbed would these all even matter ?

Also volunteered myself to tutor my nephew. I thought actions speak louder than words. I jsut hope I don’t bite on my words later LOL. 

Meanwhile - I think after 40++ years I really ought to master saying good stuff in Cantonese during lou hei !

Retirement and such

Reflections from the year- as I grow older and friends around me have been prompting my thoughts on retirement plans. The year has been quite eventful on the work end and family side too-been always invested in trying to find new things to do at work , but few older people have told me to perhaps channel my energy onto my own retirement plans. “Sprint to my own personal investments “. Have not really put much thought into this - I have always been on a “savings” mode , sometimes indulging on things I like to do. Eg I have been signing up for classes 1) for my own personal interest 2) try new things 3) develop new skills 4) bringing my son along for his own development too. 

I suppose I have never envisioned this era in my 40s would come to a realisation I better have a plan! I could play the investment card and make enough for me to continue my not so lavish lifestyle… but comfortable enough to do what I want, eat and drink what I like.. Or I could start a business - hopefully something I like to do and envision myself doing for the next 20 years. Or do nothing and pray for some promotion that would still give me a good run towards retirement. 

Recently inspired by my I think first boss ever who had decided he has enough of strategising and making money for the company…. And opened a cafe in a quiet place with tranquil surrounding. It’s small but it’s channeling what he loves best - cooking . 

I would love to find that balance. I don’t want a hectic life for sure and don’t think my body could withstand another stressful run for the money .

Something back of mind is also what if I could no longer run…. It will have to be yoga … or maybe play some music? Pick up that guitar again that I could never master.

2022 Lesson Learned

What a year this has been ; I learned that:

1) How to not care anymore … and what I mean by that is to be even more direct and blunt . Say what you mean and mean what you say. I feel this is rather easier said than done because even for me personally I tend to not want to hurt the other person’s feelings . But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And if not, erase it like it just doesn’t matter. 

2) How to say No. and it’s hard. It’s also a constant reminder to put ourselves first and that’s not natural for most people.

3) Love those around you. The family and the friends that stick with you are what truly matters. It’s been rather overwhelming and I could always count on family to support and friends to lend a listening ear. And it can really just be a random rant over text or a quick 5 mins call is really all we need. 

4) Letting go. The struggle between letting your kids grow and be independent vs you worrying constantly if they are ok or would be ok. You just have to say “go, do your thing” but you need to also suppress your need to constantly check on them. Is it the same for other parents out there ? 

5) You can only do your best. And if the best is not good enough I think ask where to improve because skirting around it won’t help anyone. I am really at a point where I’d say “ tell me. Give it to me straight. And if I can work on it , I will but if I can’t I will let you know.” And if your best ain’t good enough for nobody then so be it. 

To 2021 we go

We are closing in to the end of 2020 with much uncertainties of the pandemic whether we will see the end of it ....Whether we still get to keep our jobs and at what cost. I don’t even know if school is going to start soon. But if anything I learnt this year is that it’s ok to have no control, it’s ok to not know, and that I learnt to be PRESENT. Who and what matters now - not just your family & close ones but the precious friendships that we sometimes take for granted. I didn’t pick up a new skill in 2020 ( ok maybe I manage to whip some quick meals skills! ), but I learnt to stay in touch. Ok 2021, please be kind. 

2020

What a year this has been, and what a ride it has been and continues to be ! It’s the year of the covid19 pandemic. I can’t remember the last time I was this overwhelmed ; might have been during Lucas first year . But this is way way longer than that. I have I think lost about 9kgs. Probably ran about close to 2500km. Started cooking again daily. The worst was probably the first 3 months as I battle work and Lucas’ online school at home. I think few could relate to this ordeal but keeping sane was a huge feat. So I have probably watched more series than I would have really liked to. There are days when I embraced working from home, but there were also days when I craved for company. I did spent more time with Lucas though I have to admit not all were quality time. It is possible that you may love someone but might not necessarily need to see that person 24hours/day? 

Of Integrity and Such

It’s been the most trying 2 weeks at work - to be mentally fit and stay resilient. I am at my peak but am also at my weakest and most vulnerable. But I feel the ordeal is over but not without my bestie with me. She may not know this but she is somewhat my pillar of strength , it’s comforting to know someone has got my back, someone who has nothing but good intention and love. I know when I am at my darkest hour, I can lean on you. 

Making an Effort

My friend told me yesterday that I should recharge my blog.... so I am going to make an effort thisis year to write more. It was also a conversation about making effort to find time for ourselves. I struggle with that but I have successfully found a routine that works for me to have my time with friends, Lucas , and my own time for things that I enjoy. I am also making and effort to try and celebrate people’s birthdays ( people who matters to me). We often take our close friends for granted because we know they are always there. I try my best to do what I can and for people that I can... but it’s always about making an effort. It’s always easier to say do it tomorrow, call that friend tomorrow. It’s not that hard if you think about how it would make you feel and how the other person would feel. I hope to celebrate my eldest sister’s birthday this year ( in 3 weeks time). Been thinking about her. Peace.

Of friendship and love

I left our dinner place with a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart. One of them said she didn’t want to share our company and I am glad she said that because there isn’t another group I would like to be with than these 3 ladies. It’s not always we find people we can trust, love and care in our lives- I thank god for somehow making our paths cross. It’s been quite a depressing month since my accident....and with these ladies I don’t have to say much. 

Again I am reminded of this story. 

"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."

"Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There. No more; no less.

♥️♥️♥️

My Great Fall

Had a great fall last week. Eyes are bruised and lip got cut. Homebound for 1 week at least. I'll need to wear shades to work next week. But what did i learn?
1) I should really take a break, give my body a break, and my eyes a break.
2) All work can wait! I need to tell myself that.
3) That friends that care are the best! Even if it's a simple text encouragement.
4) I miss my colleagues, I know now that I should appreciate them more.
5) My family, bless them, is also going through some rough patches, but we are the Toh troopers. Nothing is impossible for us.


I'm feeling a little gloomy now. Like Eeyore. And there was this story about Pooh and Piglet who tried to cheer Eeyore up, but only offered silence as companionship. That seems to be all that matters. I'm generally a Tigger, so need to get myself up again.

The year I won 5 awards

This year was definitely my year- won 5 awards - dubbed the award winning CP. what a year it has been with many tears and sweat. I was telling my colleague, most of these awards are for the projects that nobody believed in. Nobody supported. Some were even laughed at. I always find it satisfying to make the impossible happen. I find people are so cruel to each other how we put down others’ effort and project. It has been a humbling year. Sadly, the projects where I channeled my most energy at are often the projects that are more tedious which nobody wants to know, behind the scene kinda stuff. But it’s just as rewarding to me in every sense. Every small win matter in that space. And all it matters is that the heart knows. 

Craving for Affirmation

People are funny creatures. People around me are always wanting someone's approval, or another's compliment or someone else to say "you are really good". Who wouldn't want it? But to crave for it...... ? I would just do as I normally would and pray for the best. If I get recognised well yeay for me, and if I don't, the satisfaction of just getting the work done would suffice for me. Not everyone of course thinks the same. People will sometimes ask me - why nobody rewarded them for something that they clearly should get recognised for. Actually I know so many people who has this need to

Be recognised. And to find like minded people can be difficult. I know of 2 like minded colleagues and it's so easy to talk to them. We are not on the kiasu run. Kiasi maybe. And I don't seek for affirmation. Especially from people that I think are not opinion-worthy. We should just be contented - knowing that we have done our very best in everything that we set out to do.