Exhausted

I so wanted to start writing again since several weeks ago, but I am so overwhelmed these days. I bet all mommies feel this way. Mind you that I am lucky that I don't do night feeds on  weekdays Since Lucas stays with my mom and I only attend to him in the evenings, and weekends. But I am still exhausted. My day begins at 6 am, mad rush to Cyberjaya. My work includes support Malaysia and Netherlands, but I report to the US. Which means night calls! So I clock out by 4pm, rushes to my sister's place and takes over from mom in layan-ing Lucas, shower, feeding and putting him to sleep, and catch dinner in between. All these done by 8pm, and thn I would rush back to my home to get onto my night conference calls, granted not every night but on average 3 night. And all this with doing the laundry and house chores plus doing the bills in between.

I secretly take a breather in the mornings when I reach the office.... Al though these days I am playing catch up with my emails since I get it from around the globe ...sigh. I cherish my lunch hour.... Really it is the only time when I munch my food PROPERLY..... My dinners are always a 5 min meal since Lucas would be cranky wanting to sleep.

Things are not getting any easier at work either since I got the promotion in Nov2011. There are higher expectations and the competitive environment doesn't help. I try to stay grounded and true doing my very best to my own capability. That is about all I aim to do at this point. I am not juggling more plates than I can handle. I want to say that things have not changed but I must admit I had to now prioritize... Some things that in the past I would not have let off so easily I now try to take a  chill pill and let it be. I look at what's worth my time and stress over.

Weekends I get Lucas but the constant shuttling can be overwhelming. I do wish I could have him on weekdays but for now, this is the best solution while keeping myself sane. My target is to have him even weekdays nights before he turns one. I tried to change my current work situation but it does not look promising, so I guess suck it up and just MANAGE it. Sun nights are always tough for me because I have to "return" him to my mom...come Monday I immerse myself in work to sort out the separation anxiety...but by 4 pm... I bolt right out of the office building. I am at my sister's place in 30 mins..... Cyberjaya to Ara Damansara, in 30mins. No joke. Sometimes I am so sleepy I have to remind myself to focus on the road..

It all sounds exhausting but I guess it is part and parcel of what it means to be a mother. Seeing him  grow makes everything else seems frivilous. I never really felt a need to get away from him to meet friends. Usually it is the fathers who feel this way. I made it clear to my boss and friends, my duty as a mother and daughter comes first. So although my mom says take a break, go out with your friends, I can't bear the thought of my 60 something mom juggling between making dinner and taking care of Lucas t the same time. Granted she has a maid, but I should not rely on others if I can help it. Maybe I am just too anal about it, but I made it a point that I would meet my friends only once I put Lucas to sleep. It is very easy for one to just leave it to their wives... As a full time working mom I juggle but I commit to my motherly duties. It is easy to say oh I have too much work, i need to work overtime? But I know if I don make it to my mom's by 5pm, the burden falls on my mom. and not anyone else. Come 4 pm, I just have to tell myself, look you have unfinished work but you have no choice but to stop, and convene once you have attended to your son's needs.. So I end up most of the time continuing work at night.... Or really early morning and sometimes during lunch.

I guess what really irks me is that men don't really have this mindset. They don't mind if the other assumingly more capable women of the likes of moms, moms-in-law or the wife takes on this responsibility. Much has not gone to dwell on the role of the father. In the past men may be the sole breadwinners , but this day and era, that is no longer the case. Women also shares the monetary burden, and I mean the average working mothers. And yet, the women are to date still the Number 1 caregiver. What gives? I don't want to dwell on whether this is fair or not. My take is your loss is my gain. Despite the exhaustion and stress, I gain because I really enjoy seeing him grow day by day. I don't want to just play with him at my convenience. I really want to be involved and be part of his first few years. Sadly, men don't see it that way. They like to take care of their child WHEN it is convenient for them. When work is done.

Some thinks that I am too intense... Or tensed up... But I rather have something passionate to live for, and if not for my son, then what else?

Senile

I was walking out of my sister's place and saw an old lady walking with an umbrella as her tongkat. She said hi and I said hi back. Then she turned back and scolded the maid to leave her.... And go away. At first I thought the maid was disturbing her, but i don't think she would coz she looked like some little girl. Then the old lady proceeded to walk in the middle of the road! Very slowly too I might add. Mom then saw me still outside and went out to have a look she then clarified that the old lady was her friend's sister..... Senile and the maid was told to follow her in case she doesn't know how to come home! Sad. I mean it is more than sad. It is also disturbing that this could happen to any one of us. My mom then also added that she is a spinster. Sigh. As we grow older, I guess our fears have changed. Can't help but worry when I grow old too. 

Hickory dickory dock?

I sing this nursery rhyme almost everyday.... And many other nursery rhymes everyday, not really having a clue if Lucas loves it or understands it. Until few days ago, Lucas laughed and chuckled excessively when I sang this ( with my fingers running up and down his body!).... Wow. It is really one of those indicators of his milestones.

And the motivation for this was that mom told me not to be lazy. Babies do hear and understand and feel things. And I am always reminded by mom and also my memories of my eldest sister reading and singing with my niece. I now know it is not a simple task. I hav not begun reading him stories o just doing songs with him for now. Mom also says my eldest sister would flash cards at my niece .... And that perhaps contributed to my niece good reading and spoken English....

I wonder if I could be as good. I recently joined a Facebook group called Mummies Connect and boy those mothers really makes you feel inadequate because they really go all the way and by all means for their little ones.

Call it kiasuness.... But if you do nothing you may regret it or there is this gnawing thought that says, man what kind of Mother are you? Or you are not doing enough! Or you have not one all you could for him to realize his potentials...... So yes, the guilt trips will never end unfortunately.

So I guess just strive on and enjoy the process. I try not to stress myself out. My sister once told me the best art class is no art class because it will just limit a child's creativity if someone has to tell you draw a flower as how you would perceive it. So there are just some things that Lucas will just have to explore on his own.....

Till then....I am doing overtime to up my list of nursery rhymes. The boy is getting bored. And that is with almost 15 nursery rhymes sung repeatedly ok......

The Other Me

Met my two old buddies from university today for a catch up session. One is married without kid, and the other has a 14 month old tagging along. I brought Lucas and Andrew came along. Well, nowadays I don't go anywhere with Lucas without Andrew. I am just not good at that yet somehow. And here is my friend with her 14 month old, chasing after him while yakking with us and even attempted to carry Lucas. Some women just have the flair with kids! The other friend pointed out that I looked so worn out compared to her... I couldn't agree more! We are close that way so we can throw comments like that at each other.

I want to be the good mother maybe to the extent of providing basic needs like giving him a shower, feeding or putting him to sleep. When it comes to playtime, daddy is the man. It just doesn't come naturally to me. I could sing nursery rhymes because I have many i know by heart but that is as far as it goes. Andrew could think of Mr Bug, Mr Rabbit etc etc and spend hours at playtime.

So I guess this is how our partnership goes. Daddy plays with Lucas and I provide him the bare necessities. Friend says we havent really have a good collaboration yet, but I guess it will take time. We have gone a long way from not even being able to carry and feed him properly, least now we could take him out on our own and spend a wholesome weekend with Lucas.

I did point out that motherhood doesn't come with a manual. And that not every woman is born with the maternal instincts despite what books say! I love Lucas to bits and love spending time with him but I truly am not sure if I could be a stay-at-home mom. I recently joined a mummies forum on fb and really those gungho mummies just make the rest of us feel really inadequate.

But I guess it is just how much you want that to affect you. I accept my shortcomings and will work around it. Even Lucas now knows to turn to daddy for playtime and me for nap time! Babies! You think they are cut and helpless but they really are not! Wound me and Andrew round his tiny little crooked last finger! ( genetically crooked).

In a way I am glad I got a boy. Cannot imagine if my 'daughter' wanna do girlie stuff with me. Absolute failure in that area!

Baby friendly places

I try to avoid mega malls but rather go to those fit for purpose malls that can feed me and allow me to buy some essentials and clean diaper changing rooms. On my quest to find some good places here are my list so far Citta Mall- can makan , coffee and decent diaper changing room. Could be better Sunway Giza- Camyland is there and so is Village Grocer so I am here most weekends because it is a one stop place. There are plenty of eating places and cafes so that I can feed Lucas when I need to. Tropicana City Mall- our first visit yesterday because I absolutely needed a haircut and I am just so cheapskate that I had to get those quick cuts type. Lucas did a poop and I hunted down a fantastic surprise. There is a baby room... For breastfeeding and diaper room. Also has a potty room for kids. There is a caretaker there too. Nice find. Also coz the place is somewhat conveniently ner my house and has Carrefour, bakeries, Ninja joes. Haven't ventured to many places so far.went to Gardens and Setia Alam mall but they are too big and although has somewhat the necessary facilities, you always end up tired because you are hunting for places and long walks before you get to the car park. Sometimes baby just wanna go home and sleep so I would probably wait till Lucas is older before we go there again. Anyhow, I am looking more non malls.... For the time being we gotta go there since both me and Andrew don't have the time to buy our own stuff and do grocery. In time.. I am sure we will manage better. Any recommendation for non-malls?

Of husbands and fathers

Interestingly, my mom asked what I thought of having kids before marriage.. She was in support of it only because she has seen too many husbands who stray or just don't care about raising a child together..where the wife always assume that role.... Well I count my blessings for a wonderful husband and who is now a great father to Lucas. Sure I grumble and nag at him, honestly it is only for the sake of Lucas, Lthough my mom always reminds me Lucas is also Andrew's son so of course he wants the best for him too. Ok la, maybe it is my OCD and I am too fussy. But I guess I don't praise him enough for trying to do feeds, to carry him, to entertain him... And really he has not gone out with his friends for a long time, for trying his best to finish work early although he hardly could, for chauffeuring us up and down carrying all that stuff, for buying my meals over the weekend... For his patience when Lucas is testing mine, for trying to help middle of the night when I am trying to pacify Lucas, for sleeping on the floor so I can watch over Lucas at night.... This is just another milestone... As our Bubu grows up, we will face many more, I am just glad I have a great man and father beside me. Happy Father's Day, dear!

Unselfish

We don't really know what is being unselfish until you have your own family. Before I had Lucas, I lived for myself. Partially for Andrew but mostly for myself really. After one gets married, you tend to think in a unit... Me and Andrew we form a little organization. But after the arrival of Lucas, he is our empire...I have lost track of expenses... And sometimes admittedly I leave my work aside and head home sharp at 4 pm these days. I don't even care my fingers are sometimes smeared with his shit... That my back hurts because if his weight while carrying him. That he pees AT me sometimes. Unselfish..but then I try not to lose myself. Once a month I drag myself away from Lucas and get out and spend time with friends. A colleague of mine said you gotta go out eventually... Just to get your sanity back. And it helped really.

Our Fridays are never the same again.....

Every Friday morning Andrew sends me to my sister's place so that I can perform my motherly duties and give my mom a break while I work from home. You see, weekdays Bubu is with my mom coz he is having his 3 am feed still and my mom is just great like that. Anyways, at the end of the evening, I would be packing because Bubu goes home with us for the weekend. By the time we reach our condo, Andrew is armed with, my laptop, his bag, the bath tub, the bouncer, milk powder, sometimes grocery or diapers and one diaper bag....and me carrying Bubu. Today is the same, but as we reached the access door to our block, he suddenly exclaimed "I am so proud to be a dad!" .....armed with the works of coz. That somehow just made my day. We will look back on today and remember how much we love our Bubu...

Separation anxiety part 2.

I recently went out on a wednesday night to publika to meet my friends... Without Bubu. You have no idea what a battle I had with myself! But it was time to be social again to keep myself sane. Not that I really needed it, ok so maybe I am in a little denial mode..but leaving my son at my sister's place weekdays is already killing me. I can't really bring myself to miss my evenings with him. Sigh. I never thought I would be like this, sometimes hugging him endlessly while he snoozes...Bubu, you are the new love in my life! Sorry Andrew, haha!

Our new home

I actually really love our current home because it is small and compact, which makes cleaning super easy. Also because of my OCD tendencies, I think a big house will drive me nuts. Alas, with our little addition in the family and also so that he won't have a nomadic life( in the hope that mom n dad would stay with us), we recently bought a double story terrace house. It is pretty far but nowadays nothing is cheap and we can't expect great location without paying a lot. Well, at least we won't have toilet dilemmas anymore... My current place only has 1 bathroom..so we usually can't have too big a party, or we would rent the BBQ area by the pool. Hopefully with thenew place we could have more people coming over. We shall see.

100th day

Lucas has come a long way. He is surely our little fighter boy. From a mere 2.24kg he is now more than 5 kg! Even mummy and daddy have graduated from being totally clueless to oh well less clueless in taking care of him. he has some minor milestones like smiling, hearing sounds, tossing his head from side to side and his neck is getting stronger too. I am glad he is not afraid of the cold anymore. He doesn't need to wear preemie clothes anymore too. We have also taken him out a few times and well that is a milestone for us! I am gad we made it past a few hurdles, first his incubator for warming, jaundice, running nose, cough , fever....now he has slight eye discharge but I think it is going away! Can't wait for him to crawl. Not sure how to make him do tummy time though.... Well, we will learn together!

Adjusting...

Sloppiness really irks me because it shows you don't care enough to do things right. So if there is nothing you care enough to do things right, that also shows you have no pride in anything. I like to think that I tried my best at least at work, housework and taking care of Bubu. Just this week I pushed myself to get some work done in advance for next week, and tried to do all my housework tonight 30mins before my conference call at 9pm. I have also diligently tried to get to my sister,s place by 5 pm so that I can take over from my mom and essentially giving her a break. Sometimes we take her for granted and I tell myself that really there is no excuse for me to be late , I would just need to make adjustment and manage my time. I should not expect my mom to assume the role of the main caregiver. Just because she doesnt complain does not mean it is easy for her. It is all the more important that we strike a work life balance. It is rather disappointing that sometimes as women we are expected to be the main caregiver and to sacrifice our career. I believe as parents we all should make an effort, after all women bring in money to the household too. I think if you want to bring a child to this world, be responsible.dont rely on others.

I started a joke...

And another gibb bites the dust... Some of my favorites are Run to me, I started a joke, Heartbreaker.... Rip

Bitching

I can't believe I am back at work after a tumultuous 2 months after delivery. First 2 weeks at work was frankly uncomfortable. I was out of touch from the real world and was not too anxious to leave the me and Bubu world so soon. Also because it was back to a lot of bitching at work. There seems to be endless stream of things and people that irritate me at work. I do blame the environment and the way the company is set up where there are too many people doing small segments of work. People are spoilt and really too idle so they resort on bitching and whining bout work. Sigh. For that, although I love my very few selected lunch partners that I adore, I look forward to leave at 4 pm sharp everyday so I can make it in time to see Bubu and make it to his 6pm feed. Lame but holding him in my arms makes me feel that all that sadness and angst at work seems so minute. It is a vicious cycle because I would have to leave him every night and go back to work at night attending night conference calls and sit through lame work stuff. Sigh. To stay positive these days I think we need to just stay out of work related topics during lunch. I think I will advocate that moving forward.

Back to work!

Going back to work coming Monday. Missing Bubu already. I don't feel comfortable leaving him even when it is just n hour or so... How to leave him overnight with my mom for four days in a week......

Also I am so not in the working mode yet. I love working but dread the emails and the workload that piled up since my emergency maternity leave.....

3.5kg

As of last Friday, Bubu is 3.5kg and on to normal formula milk now. Hate to say it but I have given up on breast milk. :(

Postnatal depression

I think it has arrived.postnatal depression. I have not stopped feeling guilty since his birth. The fact that he came early at 33 weeks. I kept trying to remember if I did anything wrong the day before, or throughout the pregnancy. Though I keep telling myself not to, I can't help it. The week at the hospital was probably the hardest time for me.

Everyone told me breast milk is good, but I didn't hv enough to feed him.... Only mum said that is is ok, and told me not to get stressed about it. It didn't help that every friend even if they are not close keep telling me, work harder on getting the breast milk. I wish I could. I don't know if I didn't have enough rest or that I didn't pump more frequently or whether I just worry too much, or I didn't eat enough.

After confinement, I am now doing the feeds around the clock for Lucas. It is tough and rewarding at the same time. Although mum and Andrew helped, it still feel like it is a big weight on my shoulder. Whether I swaddled him correctly, held his neck properly, help him poop, feed him right and on time, or that I still can't shower him properly. Burns my heart when I see him cringe and grunt trying to poo or just being cranky (and I don't know why).

Is it just me, or does every mum feels like she needs to watch over the child all the time. ....

My only comfort is really my mum. She makes it so easy and tries to make it easy for me. She shared a lot of stories and experiences as a mom that just says everything will be ok and that I should take it easy and not to worry too much. Seeing her day in day out doing all the motherly chores so diligently makes me feel things will be ok.

Full moon!

Lucas reached another milestone. Today marks the 1 st month..... It has been a trying month but as most mothers will say preemies are fighters. All's well and as hard as it may be I am starting to have breast milk although not a lot, but the doc said even 10ml is good enough. This is also thhe month I started to learn to feed, wipe his shit, change his diapers and swaddling him. Still learning , it is tougher than any job really. Next week would be another tough star to a month, but looking forward to it. Being parents is most rewarding but it is also a lifelong commitment.

Anxious

Confinement lady leaves on the 25 th. then I am on my own. Thank god mom is back and she would be helping me out the next month. Hoping for the best for myself and especially Bubu.

The confinement lady

With the early arrival of Bubu, I was lucky that I got the replacement confinement lady in time. My mom was also scheduled fr a trip to UK to visit my sis so I was really lucky that the confinement lady in time. at first it was weird having someone else in the house and also to surrender my kitchen and baby chores to her. But I guess we all have to adapt.

I decided to change my attitude and decided to be friends with her. Sure she is naggy and often repeats herself....So I started to get to know her better. In between we swoon over Bubu. When I need a break I take a nap or go to my IPad. And took this chance to learn as much as I could about tending to baby's needs (mind you, there isn't an SOP since Bubu's habits change as the day goes by).

She seems to have had a tough life, two kids with a no-good husband who couldn't stay on a job permanently. So she had a really interesting set of odd jobs to make ends meet. Mahjong centre, maid in Japan, kopitiam, hawker, chef ( I am still discovering). She is also sama kampung as my mom which delighted my mom coz she only met Auntie once before my mom went off to Uk. My mom said I will be in good hands. One of her sons is doing well, staying just nearby in a far bigger house than ours with a maid. The other son is an Ah Long ( errr, all the more I should be friendly with her). Asked her why bother working then ... Confinement jobs are tough! Seriously! Imagine dealing with a cranky woman with postnatal mood swings, and a wailing baby and at the same time adapting to a new place while doing house chores etc. She said no work makes Jack a dull boy, in short.

I guess every reason has his/ her stories to share. And we all can learn from just about anyone if we wanted to. I learnt that caring for a baby really requires a lot patience and observation.... It is not like work when we can hentam and sometimes get away with it. I also learnt about determination, she too is a mother and she shared about her labour of love to her two sons. Until now, she tries to think of ways to open a business for his youngest son. Despairs me when I hear her calling people to find jalan for the son, and it was just recently she had to close down a kopitiam that she opened for the son. Salut.

nyone wants recommendation let me know.

Umbilical cord

Bubu's umbilical cord got detached yesterday whilst having his shower. The special bond between me and him when I was pregnant. I guess it is a milestone as it marks his 14th day. Mom said to store it in an Angpow and keep it stashed somewhere in the house. I waited for Andrew to do this since he is the dad.

Grow well, Bubu.

Confinement

I got myself a confinement lady to help out during the first month. As u already know, baby Lucas came early and in the chaos luckily we got a replacement pretty quickly. The confinement month is meant for me to rest while the confinement lady tends to my needs and the baby' s.

It really seems like a super duper heavy job for one woman alone. In the mornings she cooks brunch for me, showers the baby, and make the yucky herbal bath for me. We usually then take Lucas for a sun tan before 10am. Thereafter she takes care of the baby in terms of feeding and cleaning his poo and urine. That is until way in the evening were she then makes dinner ala confinement cuisine. After dinner she then carries on to feed Lucas in the wee hour of the morning. Tough job, and may I just say these one are over 50 plus.

Well, I now know it is truly an impossible task (except of my mom who is as efficient as a bee). So far I have been trying to do the baby feeds throughout the day, clearing trash, cleaning the house, whatever i could. I try to eat earlier too so she can get her tasks one faster.

Because there isn't any entertainment at home she tends to nag and repeat herself. Sigh. I don't quite believe in all te confinement dos and donts and quite frankly have broken all the rules so far.

The only thing I love during this period is the time spent with Lucas. I am counting the days till my mom return though. Would love an extra pair of helping hands.

Milestone

Everything happened in a blink of an eye. Started at sharp 6 am on 21stfeb, my water bag broke and I was stoned for a while. Got Andrew up and I showered quickly and off we went to the emergency ward. Doctor came soon and I was on a drip to stop contraction and was given antibiotic jab to allow baby's lungs to mature. And there I was, just lying down on the bed for 24 hours. The nurses and doc were full of positive vibes so really I did not have time to think too much.

The following day at 4 am, doc stopped the drip so I could have my contractions. That lasted till 5 .30 pm until I took the epidural. By then it was contractions at every 4 mins at the intensity of 80+. Okla, at least I now how it feels like. Then I was back on the drip to induce faster contraction. Gosh. By 9.45pm, doc said I m ready with 10 cm dilation. The nurses cheered on and Andrew held me while I pushed.

Baby Yeong was out at 10.08pm. Held him for a bit for a quick photo and off they whisked him with Andrew to clean him up and get him registered. Meanwhile I am being stitched up. Man, that was painful as the epidural was low, my legs were shaking real bad. I had to share a ward with one other woman. Middle of the night, I was put on drip again due to bleeding to contract my uterus..gosh. Nurses came to Korek the blood clots. About 8 times having someone fingering you in full force. I think I screamed the loudest then.

Baby was in the incubator the next 5 days. For warming and for photo light. Heart wrenching to see him in that state. I went through a few emotional rides but manageable ones. I stayed positive trying to breastfeed and doing my 4 hourly visits to see him. Sigh.

Doc made me bottle feed and breastfeed him during those few days and it was really treasured time for me. By Monday, doc said we can both leave and I was so relieved and me, Andrew and mom prepared or the homecoming. Andrew spend many days with my mom getting things geared for the homecoming. It is not true that it is only a mother's labour , the dad also plays a significant part. Would not have made it without andrew's support, love and courage.

Stay tuned

Mummy

I am a happy mummy. Waiting to leave the hospital. Daddy did a good job and I am sure it will be a heartfelt homecoming. Thanks to my mum and dad who did everything possible beyond anything to help us new parents. I am thankful and Little Bubu is truly blessed.

A precious gift

I just heard news of another friend who had a miscarriage at 22weeks. It was a baby girl. Sigh. Makes me anxious thinking about it. Men have no idea how that must feel like. I think perhaps only now when I am pregnant that I truly understand the magnitude of pain and loss that she and some others may feel. A baby is truly a precious gift. I am grateful for every kick I feel. Forget about stretch marks and the back pain or swollen feet. Finally, all we want is a safe delivery of our bundle of joy.

Patience....

A friend of mine was telling me about his mom, random things she does that he feels is very silai. Or that she is fickled, difficult and the list goes on. While me and another try to explain to him that elderly people are like that and that we should be patient I don't think he quite get it at all.

If you ask me, in fact, my parents are more tolerant and patient with me than the other way round. Maybe I am lucky.

He continues to complain about things that I find to be so trivial, and I think how did this go wrong? How did a son get this all wrong. Mind you he did not have to worry about financially supporting the mom. It was the emotional support that she yearns for. From what I gather that is. Husband just passed away and it is a major adjustment. For anyone really.

I wonder if my son would think the same? How can I ensure such wrong never happen to me and my son?

My other friend pointed out something. That we too would be old and frailed and helpless one day. And we would hope for someone we can emotionally rely on. Or to exercise patience with our shortcomings and unreasonable ways.

26weeks

Just got back from the doc's. Andrew couldn't come , so he missed a lot today. From the scan, doc said baby is super active. Saw the hand moving about again with the hand behind his head. Doc said be kept moving about so can't take a good picture of him. He is today about 1.2kg, 300g above the normal weight! I am not overweight though so doc said I will have to cut down vitamins and supplements of the baby.

I need to count number of movements too, 10 count in a span of 12 hours. He has moved about 6 times now after 2 hours.... I was shown the labour room entry point and the lift that takes me straight there. Just in case. I might be delivering end of march since baby is big.

That means I need to speed up my preparation. I am usually well prepared... Just that I am now slowing down a bit. Tired and lack of sleep. I hope I will pull through. Thank god for Andrew and my family. How do single mom cope? Whole new respect for all mothers out there as I deal with shoulder ache, tummy ache and backache. And trying to get work done is a feat sometimes.and housework.

14weeks or less! Here we go!

2011review

2011 has been great. I have many things to be grateful of. Especially family, with everyone intact and happy, prospering and with good things ahead. Dad and mom are still going strong and i suspect much healthier than any of us. God has granted mine and Andrew 's wishes to have a baby and so here I am at 6 months plus already!

A year ago I left after I got a promotion with the company I was working for, a big loss of opportunity then...The world works in funny ways because this year I got a promotion with the current company I am working for. Andrew got a promotion too and his ticket to a better portfolio. Double joy for us because every cent we earn now will and has already been channeled to our baby.

With all that's happening , I am gad we manage to go to Phuket and Chiangmai and sealed the year for a family reunion in Singapore. Imn and Jason were back so that makes a complete family of 13 (including baby!).

It is also a year since we are married officially ( Chinese tradition wise) and I am grateful for an understanding, most obliging and thoughtful husband. Must be hard now with an angsty pregnant wife who can be most Mahfan at times. Thanks for putting up with everything and let's gear up for a new life as parents in 2012!

Sisters

I may have at some point written about my twin sister, Imn, but probably not as much about my 2 elder sisters. Probably the best gifts from my parents and God, I have the best sisters in the world and I am truly grateful. It does make me think if I ever want to have a second child...but that's for another post.

I guess the age difference of about 7 and 8 years, does play a part. I look up to my 2 elder sisters for advice in so many many things, sometimes I think I may be so mahfan, but hey, that's the beauty of sisterhood! One of my earliest memory was probably when I was about 9 years old. I remember I was propped up on a bed and reading one of those classic books. You know, those with a lot of difficult words. I got my eldest sis, Tache, to read beside me and I remember pestering her whenever I got through a difficult word, "what does this mean?" Hehe, I must have been a pain, but I remember she tried her best to explain, but there were some she'd just exclaim, "It just is, sze!" Growing up when she was in Singapore, I remember her visits back, and driving us to get laksa in Ipoh Jaya.....ah.....weird as it seems, she was the one who discovered that laksa shack we all loved so very much. She also transformed from a non-foodie to a foodie, so my memory of going to Singapore was her taking us to sample nice stuff. About last year, she went through an enlightenment period, and some her advice just stuck in my mind..."Don't try to change others, change yourself and how you react to it". I find myself repeating that to many people in various situation, and recently to my in-laws too (errr, long story). Another thing that stuck, was when she told that she could always rely on our (the 4 sisters) opinions because we are the only ones who would give her the blunt truth. Yeah, and that was when they made me parade in my wedding gown/cheongsam to get an Ok from them. hehe.

My 2nd sister is a softie. We stayed together for a few years when I was in college and well, must have been odd for her taking care of her 2 little sisters while she herself was still in university. I remember our trips to 1 utama by bus, sifting through Reject Shop, or her sending me to Bangsar Baru Mcdonalds in her beat up Volkswagen every morning, and our weekend trips to TMC with Uncle Chong (where she's mostly half-dazed due to late night partying). As I grew up and then we all lived together in Taman Desa for a good 4 years, I must say it was quite a crowd. One of the best times. Right now, I stay near my sister, and loved going back there to play with my nephew, babysitting him, and having my meals there.

I wont say much about my twin as I've posted one about her before. We are sisters of different levels, coz it's just a twin thing, and it's hard to compare it with anything else. If you have a sister, whether you think the relationship is sour or not, appreciate her because no one makes a better best friend than a sister! ( I dont have a brother so I dont know what having a brother is like..)

Domestic Abuse???

I am shocked to learn that my dear friend was beten up by her ex boyfriend. As she recalled the incident, I realize that she jumbled the sequence and the details were sketchy. I was completely baffled and was out of words really. It was nothing I could relate to. She did not occur to me to be the meek type or hardly a candidate for domestic abuse but I guess there is no way of profiling a victim! She said she was traumatized I mean who wouldn't be. So traumatized and afraid that she evn gave the guy a ride. Odd but we should not be judgemental. There is never a right SOP for these kind of things and I suppose she did whatever she thought would keep her safe. I Am glad she made the right choice to lodge a polic report. I just hope this be a lesson learnt for all women out there. Always have your guards up!

Jaded is a bad word!

It is one of those things that immediately spells Negative to me. One of my pet peeves too. It is like telling people you are above it all, been there done it, and don't expect pity from me kind of attitude. My parents would never say that to me if I came to them with a dilemma, a problem or anything even though truly with 60 years + under their belt, they have seen it all! That's why it really baffles me when people in their twenties say they are jaded about anything. Truly? Instead of saying they are jaded, my parents never hesitate to give their two cents, based on their humble experience what they think is the right thing to do. It is something I always try to emulate. Also because I don't think I have been through all ups and downs in life to be truly jaded about anything really. The thing is that nothing is ever the same as the first time you experience it ( whatever it may be) because the external factors always differ, no matter how u see it. So how can anyone say they are jaded? Take it out of your vocabulary today!

Recognition award...

This month certainly brings in a lot f good news. My boss just informed me I will be receiving a recognition award that comes in $$$$$$. All the better for me! Although not a big deal in my company, every dollar counts to our baby fund! Cheekily I told her my baby thanks her! Hehe. Not bad for some project nobody wanted to do and a project that is still scorned to death. My counterpart in UK said that people involved in the project like us as the Trainers were bombarded like hell. It was a case of " Shoot the Messenger". It was a role all too familiar for me. Played the poor messenger role before. Years back I had to do the same in an unfamiliar setting, to an unfamilliar audience, to competitors and to the users. It was much worse then! But it only taught me to persevere, to be tolerant, and most of all to be more receptive to changes and less negative about new things. People tend to be resistant to change. It would sometimes be easier if we embrace change and work around it, rather than harp on it. That is what I learned. I now know why some companies are more resilient than others. Sadly, in my bunch, people were far less receptive than other clients and other companies I worked for. The older generation had a Let's-Nail-This attitude and did not waste time harping on why the change! I missed people like that . People who understood change is sometimes inevitable so make the best of it!

Promotion!

Bubu G ( as Andrew calls him) has certainly bring a lot of luck to us! I have received news of my promotion, which is really timely as we await for the arrival of our baby. I have just started on this job last year August so I am really grateful. A year's work has certainly paid off. It also does a huge impact on my benefits.

We were discouraged from announcing it until the official news is out. Really it didn't matter to me, I am looking at the monetary value and also looking out for something new. People who worked with me before would know...I get bored easily. And I like going to work, so I gotta keep myself motivated by learning new things. How utterly nerdy right?

Progress

Baby is 450 g. He does ticklish stuff around my tummy sporadically throughout the day, especially at night. Doctor said he is growing well although my bump is small. He seems to move when he hear voices, like kids, one particular colleague and when me and Andrew laugh about something.

I am getting heavier at 21 weeks and the backaches are interfering with my sleep. I have sweaty palms and sweaty feet... Can be so bothersome u know. I still just have 3 main meals and occasional snacks. Constipation is my number 1 enemy. Andrew got me some prune juice and I got medicine from my gynae, so I m all geared out to battle it!

We have been shopping for baby essentials. I am utterly clueless so I would buy what I can think of. Thank god for my sisters and mom and my mummy friends who are never stingy with advice. Planning to buy everything before I get too heavy to do long hours of shopping!

Fret Not

Today I saw a colleague teary eyed over an embarrassing situation. I told her hey forget about it. People can be insensitive and no use feeling hurt about it. Then as I drove home, I sort of told my baby ( we have our little talks) that people can be cruel so expect that...but don't get affected.

Then just now I saw a video of a little boy bullied by a bunch of older boys. Gosh. I am slightly frightful for my baby now if that ever happened. I think it was where he stayed, seems rather dodgy. Although it can happen anywhere I guess, but the least I could do is provide a good environment for baby. Let's hope so.

I can practically hear my friends telling me to stop worrying!

Travelling alone

It must be a few times in my life where I went to see a few places on my own. Taiwan, ayuthaya, Bali, some spots in US and Manila. Not by choice but because somehow life works in funny ways I guess. But here are the pros.... I pretty much dictate my own schedule. I eat and drink whenever I feel like it. I can control my budget. I am really good at being alone because I love the peace and tranquility. I don't have to engage in small talks with travelmates who sometimes are not your preferred mates!

But there are some cons for sure. Like you don't have anyone to share the joy of discovering something instantly! I am not an iPhone person so not in the habit of posting stuff every other minute. Although I can have a meal on my own, it is nice to have company to unwind with after a whole day of travelling. When I started to travel with Andrew I do realize a travel partner enhances a trip sometimes. I like how we strategize for the day. I can have more choices when we order food because there is 2 of us and I can pinch on his food.

Pretty soon we are going to travel with our baby. A friend of ours was showing us his diaper bag hehe. Told us to get a small one because you tend to load more stuff on a bigger one! His baby girl was cranky because it was way after her nap time.....

Well it is all good. Can't wait to travel with a baby in tow!

Just the three of us

J asked me yesterday how I was feeling. Well I was thinking bloated, fat, backaches, hungry, etc etc... But I only told her that it is tiring but a nice feeling. Carrying and making a baby is no joke! This week I have some flutter like feeling that is really ticklish. And the baby is starting to form bones so my tummy is getting hard.

I have been at yo-yo with food. Aside from my usual grub I have yoghurt and ice cream every night this week, yikes! Yoghurt to make me feel less guilty about feeding unhealthy stuff like ice cream to baby!

It is just that I am eating for two now. Whatever that goes to me goes to baby too. It makes me worrisome sometimes... K was telling me, to get used to the worrying, mothers never stop worrying. How very true! I know because my mom is a toughie but she cries every time imn( the twin) leaves for uk ( mind you, we are already 33 ).

Motherhood is definitely something to get used to. I have flashbacks sometimes these days of what an ass I was to my mom in the past and wonder how I would handle it if my son did the same. Gosh! I hope he gets all our good genes! W said I would make a good mom, maybe because I was going on and on nagging at her of working late nights ( midnight, c'mon!) in our office. Or maybe because I threatened to tell her mom!

Of course let s give some credit to the husband who has been patiently obliging , tending to my absurd needs at times....the foot/hand and back massages are really helpful! Well, no one said it was ever easy to be a dad. I guess the fathers face a different set of fears and worry, but I will let him blog about that. Hehe

I hope at it would be smooth one for the 3 of us!

Shopping for a baby!

People who know me would know that I suck at shopping... I like bargains, but won't go all out though. But not when it comes to shopping for a baby. Went for the big bad wolf sale lately to get baby books... And went to a baby fair to hunt for stuff.

I guess parents tend to be over prepared because you don't know what you need until you need them! And so many gadgets out there.... Almost anything you can think of. We just bought a diaper change table at Ikea yesterday. comes with compartments and a foam on the top...

Thank god for hand-me-downs from my sisters so no big ticket spend required! Although I did indulge on some nice cute baby clothes because I could not bear the thought of my son wearing tatty clothes, at least not for the first few months.

Well baby brace yourself to a new life with us ok, taking baby steps!

Why do people care?

I have this disLike for certain things on Facebook. People have this strange urge to publicize the stuff they buy and the events they went to. Why do people care? What you buy has nothing to do with me. Maybe I am one of those who don't bother, but I' m sure a lot of people don't either. I am psyched sometimes when people happily put pics of anniversary gifts or birthday gifts. I like to think these things are personal. Maybe it is just me.

I told Andrew I didn't want details and scans of my pregnancy on Facebook. People don't need to know and those who cared I would have shared privately anyways. It would be weird to have people see scan of my womb...... Yerrrrrrrr.

What is your take and what do you share on Facebook?

Mothers

I listened with somewhat disgust as 2 of my friends went on bitching about their mothers, competing whose mother is worse, whose mother is more troublesome..... I did not know what to say. I nodded once a while and trying to hide my disgust. Then we went back to our desks, and I decided to send the article I wrote about being sensitive to older people to that one friend that was the closest to me. I thought I hoped my article could turn him around.

The following day he said he cried reading the article not knowing that I wrote it, and he felt completely disgusted with himself. Thanked me over lunch and that the slap in the face I gave him was exactly what he needed. His father just passed away and he felt his mom was still adjusting to the fact and relied on him because who else could she turn to if not her own son (who is single, so no excuse for being busy!).

We forget sometimes in our growing years our mothers and fathers have patiently tended to our needs and answered relentlessly to our 1001 questions.... Why do we fail to extend the same love to our parents now when they feel the most helpless.

I hope my son reads this in the next 20 years and would not snap at me one day for asking his help to bank in a cheque!

On A Rollercoaster

I was watching Real Steel and was bawling like a baby in the cinema. Really a first for me. Blame it on the hormones or maybe the movie was really a tearjerker.... Nevertheless, I'm on a hormonal rollercoaster these days. Few outbursts too, it's a pity the husband has to take it all in! Thanks Andrew!

That goes to my next story. Normally I stay out of trouble at work. Too much politics and I'm too insignificant to care. But recently I was dumbfounded when a colleague told of a plan. Lobbying for the wrong guy for the job. Sigh. I'm really disappointed. Also because I know someone else is more deserving. Silent workers always get sidelined. What kind of a world would my son grow up in if I let this pass????? I thought I couldnt let this go. I thought and talked this through with KK, and I thought I'll let it slide. Who am I to intervene.

Well, my hormones got the better of me. I questioned the colleague. Why him and not her. How could you be so blind. Everything is there, concrete evidence. And then I checked with my boss. She concur with me. Sigh....how can I let this injustice go on.

of course there is very little someone small like me could possibly do. But hey, I tried. It doesnt matter what people think of me. I just want to make the world slightly better and brighter.

Maids and whatnots

One stop centers for maids? 6 months compulsory bahasa cases for non Indonesian maids?i say fix the real problem here. Regardless where the maids are from, Malaysians seems to just have an abuse problem. That is the core issue. Either we lack respect for maids, or for some sick reason Malaysians love the concept of slavery and to be able to release stress on someone, to have authority over someone powerless.

Just like any recruitment firms, the maid agencies should make monthly visits to check on the welfare of the maids and also to provide some customer service to the employers. After Ll, they are making a profit out of the service. Points I ponder I guess.

Appetite

I can feel my appetite soaring and I have to mentally psycho myself to STOP EATING. When the say you are eating for two, they are not kidding. I had 3 slices of peanut butter jelly bread, I plate of spaghetti, half a pack ofnasi lemak and I bowl of noodles and it is just 7 pm..... Gosh. I hope my son is satisfied... He sees to be chomper like me and Andrew!

If there are any mommies or fathers, any way to beat this? I am contemplating a mini magnum after this.....

A conversation with my nephew....

Aaron: where is Uncle Andrew (my husband)?

Me: Uncle Andrew is working.

Aaron: why he has to work.

Me: well, uncle Andrew has to work for money. If uncle Andrew doesn't work, then he can't give me money.

Aaron: (grin and snickered) No, silly! Uncle Andrew works for didi. Not u!

And so, it's a boy! We had the scan yesterday and saw his jewels haha. Time to look for names! How does Lucas sound?

Sensitive

As people age, they tend to be more insecure, perhaps fear of being abandoned by their children...fear of sickness...fear of being a burden etc. We can only guess what is going on their minds especially your parents, your in laws, your grandparents... It's especially hard when you have your own family to run (amidst of all the chores, bills, kids, work, etc). Not saying all of them feel that way, but i'm sure some of these things you can relate to.

So here are some tips:
1) when the elders ask you out for lunch,dinner, or do something together, don't reject them immediately by saying you're not free. Explain that you have this event/chore you gotta do. Then, reschedule it. Let them know that you do want to spend time with them.

2) When you do meet them, stop playing with your gadgets. I found out this is something elders do not like. It's disrespectful and hinders the 'bonding' session. So just stash those away at least until the meal is over!

3) I know a lot of people my age are saddled by the banking/chores that sometimes their parents need them to do. Although one may argue that the elders can do it themselves, but I guess my philosophy is do what you can. If they could have done it themselves they could have. Although some use it as a way to keep connected? In a crazy way? Whatever it is, chances are you won't always have this opportunity anymore even if u beg for it when they are truly gone. Think about their unconditional love when they had to raise you up from a baby to a toddler where you're mostly helpless.

4) Get them involved in a small way. Although we may think we know everything since we're supposedly mature and able to think sanely and independently for ourselves, there's really no harm to seek some advice from the elders. Whether you do wanna take it or not, it's entirely up to you, at least you get an older person's perspective. Just as how you'd get help from your friends, why not your own parents? Sometimes they offer advice without you asking for it, well, then just listen, and if it's not something you like to hear, just nod and say you'll think about it. You dont have to dismiss them immediately. It hurts them in little ways that probably never crossed our minds.

Remember that they are sensitive people. They still see you as a child and it disappoints them that we don't listen to them anymore like we used to. Or that we don't rely on them anymore like we used to. For all the time they spend on nurturing and bringing us up with whole lot of patience, it's not too much to ask the same level of patience from us. There's nothing like a parent's love so "don't throw it all away."-Bee Gees.

Pregnant

When we had a company trip, few people were asked what was the most significant event of your lives, and most women answered birth of their child. I couldn't agree more. The past 14 weeks has been a whirlwind of hormones, anxiety, excitement, fear etc. I am experiencing new things with my body. Unpredictable appetite , lethargy, pain, curiosity, you name it.

My first trimester has ended. It was days of sleeping in. I had days of nausea but no vomiting. I was not particular about food. But I was hypersensitive to smell. The only time I vomited was at Ah Wa hukkien Mee jalan 222 because I was sitting next to the drain while eating. I gag every time I go to the office loo, but then again I gag once a while too even when I was not pregnant! All in all, it was not too bad, so women , have no fear! I stayed off caffeine, fizzy drinks, cold drinks, tea, pineapples, etc. Even if it is a myth, you don't want to gamble on it. It is only 3 months of your life anyways. I can live without these things!

On to my second trimester and I immediately feel less tired. Headaches are gone. Conference calls at night were tough so I am glad my body is feeling more active now. I am trying to exercise more. Control my weight and also for easier pregnancy. I try to slip in some light exercises while driving and in the office and some stretching as much as the body allows it. Me and Andrew have been taking walks every evening. Helps to sleep better too.

And yeah, I have not started shopping. Probably be gung-ho about in the next few months. Right now, I just wanna embrace my new appetite.

Gen Y?

I read with somewhat disgust this article: GenY The Star , about GenY. It's nice to hear from a Gen Y perspective and I have an opinion as to why they are like that, quite contrary to what the article says.

Trying to get the restaurant's kitchen to open up just to cook for you brats? That's just plain inconsiderate. And perhaps because the brat that you are, you probably have not worked in a restaurant before where although you think that you've worked hard and deserve a decent meal at a restaurant, those people who work in the restaurants also worked the whole day only to wait for the 10pm last call so they too can call it a day and have their decent meals? Being the inconsiderate lot that those brats are, of course that never crossed their minds! only me, me, me.

"Gen X was a time where education was a rare privilege, a job was a blessing and praises were hard to come by.
My comrades and I were raised to believe in ourselves, to strive for the best and to fight for what we believe in. Perhaps that makes us a little over-confident and too vocal in voicing our desires and displeasures."
Quite the contrary to what this article says about GenX, I do believe GenX in fact believe in themselves more because of our struggle and our plight. That's because we struggled to get where we are. GenY make think that they are over-confident and too vocal, but really empty vessels make the most noise! And it doesn't take long for people to realize that.

"If we feel that we’re performing well, we would rather like appreciation to be shown sooner rather than later."
This is only applicable if you actually perform well. And really you cannot force someone to appreciate your work, because though you think you have performed well, you may not have performed exceptionally well or others could have done better. So really it's not a real recognition unless people collectively tells you so. More often that not, I find them complaining before getting any work done. Don't even talk about performance yet.

"The world is changing to adapt to Gen Y because we are the future, but no one is going to tolerate or find excuses for a spoiled brat. The question is this: If you were the boss, would you employ yourself?"
I must say this is the best part. I dont think however the world is changing to adapt to Gen Y but rather to cater for different genres, as you are aware, there are more generations after GenY, be it the Millenials etc. With raising the retirement age from 55 to 60 in private sectors, there is a further need to be more flexible.

Living with others

Sharing a space with anyone is no easy feat, be it your siblings, your parents, your in laws, your friends or your boyfriend / husband. There are those things like who gets the remote control, who does the washing, who gets to do the laundry first, who pays the bill, who takes out the trash..., and those are the easy stuff because those things you can sort it out with a schedule or a mutual understanding. Living with other people also means you need to be TOLERANT. You need to be sensitive with your words especially with elderly people because sometimes things get misinterpreted. You Ned to be sensitive to other people's religion and daily rituals. Especially toilet rituals. Especially if u only have 1 toilet. Believe me, I have had a history of living with people who spend a lot of time at the loo.

The hardest part is to stay sensitive to others all the time. Home is a place where u unwind, take off your bra literally, be free but it's hard when you have others living with you. There used to be a time when I just wanna stay in my room all day because in there, that is MY space. If you have a roommate well then that is a different story! Sometimes you will have to pretend he/she is not there especially if she is someone you cant get along with!

What are your tips to living with others?

Mom

My mom is the most amazing mom. I have always thought of writing about her but really I don't know where to begin. She is an icon of strength, thoughtfulness, zen, love,bravery, chivalry , everything. I really pale in comparison to my mom. She is courageous, at 65 she is the ringleader at most of the places that we have stayed at: Ipoh, ara damansara, Taman desa, , Singapore. She has a knack for making friends because of her don't-be-a-stuckup attitude. Whenever she makes a trip back to Ipoh she will buy car load of taugeh and heongpeng to distribute them to the neighborhood. I used to find it a real bother but then I realize it takes a lot of thought and generosity that I guess I could never measure up to.

Andrew once sAid to me that I should get cooking lessons dorm my mom so that the legacy doesn't end. My mom cooks up a storm everyday! She has a way of being creative so she would throw in a few surprises every now and then. On the table you will not only find my dad and mine and my sister's favorite dish but also andrew's and my bil's. It can be quite a feat, add on my nephew's and doing that every day. But she bulldozes on with enthusiasm and drive. She does all the marketing alone because we would just slow her down, and even a cousin of my bil saw her once at the market and applauded her powerful arms! Yeah, we are a bunch of lame ninnys compared to her.

Perhaps it was her upbringing. Slaughtering chickens at the age of 10 and taking care of my uncle when she was still a kid. She told me she took my uncle to register for school when she was 9 or 10. And would cycle to deliver his lunch to him. I dunno if it's a hainanese thing or not, but my mom really takes care other family, her cousins and etc etc. My mom keeps close to her cousins till today, often the one driving them to seremban, Melaka etc on a day trip. Right now, my mom is in Singapore because and uncle was diagnosed with cancer and she is helping out my aunt cooking and doing banking for him. Shen she arrives this morning ( 5 hours bus ride, mind you) she is off gallivanting
with a cousin and meeting some friends for lunch. Sometimes even hearing her programme for the day is exhausting. Here is a woman who went to Ipoh, then to betong Thailand to the communist camp for a dinner and stayed overnight before heading back to kl the next day.

Just last week was the tangling festival and my mom just by word of mouth and her pulling the crowd around ara damansara, organized one of the biggest one I have ever attended. She got a few old aunties to commit to bringing their grandchildren and food so the night was set and we saw about 100+ people turned up for the event. My sister's neighbor told me that they thought it would be cancelled because it was raining and the plan was to have it at the two big badminton court at the playground, but lo and behold, she caught my mom sweeping the water off the badminton court with a steady broom alone not wanting the kids to slip and also for the candles to stick on the floor. Amazing right. I justhada potluck at work in which it took me few weeks to get people to buying food whilst my mom only took 1 weekend to organize one. Haha!

The way I described my mom you probably think she is must be just other auntie. But she was also a teacher. Her methods are quite unorthodox so I grew up with troubled cousins being sent to my mom for training. Yeah a cousin of mine was sent from Sri petaling all, the way to Ipoh for a good 4 years to whip him to shape. And never once did she whack him although I certainly instigated it haha! Me and my twin were sent to the church, cathedism classes, temple etc, wanting us to get exposure to different religion. When I was about 4 yrs old, my house had 10 people ; an Indian man who was my dad's former student, and 2 children of my mom's friend from teluk intan, and the 6 of us plus my grandma. U can imagine how chaotic life was. To date the Indian man always tells me my mom is his half -sister. In a way she probably thought us about sharing and racism in a very surreal way.

My niece and nephew are very attached to her. Her devotion and because of the flurry of activities that my mom always carry with her, the kids I would say have a great childhood, always surrounded by friends and doing a mix of traditional activities and modern ones that my sisters would provide. They are both free spirits as my mom tend to let them be not wanting to suppress them.

I hope I can be half as good as her.

Bad meals

I seriously get really pissed off with so called food bloggers who for the sake of free meals give good reviews for bad food. It is irresponsible and lack of integrity. I dunno, I take pride in what I write about and what my opinions are in anything , especially if you are gonna blog about it. And so, I am going to start dedicating space to write about bad meals introduced by food bloggers. Although some are really subjective to one's taste bud, there are really some that are so outright bad that no way a person could ever stomach. Here are some to begin with.

1) Betty Midwest Kitchen Aman Suria- honestly it tasted like scraps of leftovers that I used to prepare during my UNI days.
2) Coffee Chemistry Giza Mall - this was seriously mediocre and really not worth mentioning of.
3) Full House anywhere- seriously the food is so mediocre and taste like microwaved food that it really does not deserve a mention at all. Somehow bloggers seem to really love to publicize it.
4) Wong Kok - gross and overrated. Bad coffee and tea.

The list goes on. Want to knowwho r the bad bloggers, google these places and find out who thinks these are great food!

Where are your manners arh?

It's a whole week of organizing events, somehow got caught into it and well you know the part u gotta wait for people to RSVP, sending reminders etc etc. So there is a potluck I am organizing for my dept, and you have to make sure people don't bring the same stuff and make sure there is enough dessert, kuih, and the heavy works. Despite sending reminders and asking for confirmation on the type of food to bring...it's already tues and the event is coming Monday, way way past the deadline already which was 2 weeks ago. It wouldn't bother me so much if boss wasn't asking me for the list of food, attendance confirmation etc. People don't realize I don't do this full time ok. I still got 'real' work to do. They disrespect deadlines and expect me to chase them. You know on outlook people can accept, decline, and out on tentative their attendance? At one point I wrote to all the attendees who hv not confirmed and put on tentative that they can only accept or decline. no more tentative!

And then there is this other event. It's an annual meeting I am helping to organize and we have to get the suppliers to confirm participants and provide parking registration as well. People just do not READ! It says 2 participants per company and people happily give me 3 names. Or they don't give you the parking registration info. Or if they reply, they rudely just give you the car plate number. Not even the Hi or a Thanks.

I think it's just simple manners to give timely decision and doing it politely at the same time. I can't wait for their turn to organize something then they would understand how annoying they can be!

Ignorance is not an excuse

One of Andrew's friend got registered for marriage yesterday. His then wife-to-be was to deliver next week. more or less. Why did they waited for so long I wonder. Granted, the guy is not exactly the appropriate type, and neither is the wife. Yet, if they had decided to bring a child into this world, why risk it. Andrew says perhaps they are ignorant. Perhaps. But it's not an excuse. I pity the child. She did not ask to be born into a dysfunctional family if you could even call it a family. The guy obviously did not give two hoots that he was going to be a father next week. People who are illiterate would have had more common sense. You don't need a degree to have a common sense. even Ahbengs and Ahlians would love their child. He does not belong to any category, except for the category of scums who do not deserve a child.

A beginning

Stay tuned. A beginning of a new life! It will all be made known in 5 weeks time.

Lunch

It's true that we spend the most hours in our lives at work whether we like it or not. But lunch has always been a highlight for me.i am sure a lot of ex-colleagues and current colleagues would tell you that I am always the one to prompt everyone to makan. Hehe. Highlight of a usually serious and lonely hours at work. A break that we all much needed after sieving through endless emails. Truly, it is for me the best time of the day! At work at least.....

Although I have had my share of lonely lunches.... All throughout my career until now I suppose. After customer and supplier site visits, or when I was a consultant, when you always had to make new friends before you get lunch partners. Honestly, I love those lonely lunches too. First I get to choose where and what I want to eat, and I know I am rather picky. And I get to people watch and really it is quite an enjoyable activity, haha.

Well, of course it is never good to be an anti-social so I always try to build new lunch partners and routines. I must say it is rather important to get good kakis else I would really rather just be on my own. I for one do not like to talk about work during lunch, talk cock sing song anything, just please don't talk about this email that email. Luckily I have in the past made some great lunch company and loved my lunches!

Now breakfast is a different story..it is my me time :) ....err also because I get to work at 7.15am so no one is at work yet. Haha.

33

Feels the same when I was 30 really.. Staying at the same place. New job but the same old thing anyways, it's still not my own business haha. Gained a lot of weight but don't really mind it too much. Friends that matter are still my friends and we are close despite distance and new family commitments. I am thankful for my family and husband, for too many things. I probably did most of the things I set out to do in these few years. I don't really have a long list or a 10 yr plan, I tend to make things up as I go along. Life 's too hard so why want to be harder on yourself. That's my thought anyways. Its like saving for your pot of gold, it will never be enough.... Or trying to be a significant leader in your company, the higher you go, you will always want something more or at an even bigger company.

I would rather work on small milestones. Like go on at least 1 overseas trip a year. It didn't matter if it was just Thailand. And one girls only vacation a year. Go on one family trip per year. Getting a new car before my kelisa fails on me, oh I miss him. Generate another side income , that's still not done yet but not unachievable.

Anyways I know a lot of my friends have some sort of things that they have mapped out to do before 35 like getting married or being a parent or making 10k a month. Not everything will fall through and there are bound to be some disappointments but that's ok! We shouldn't let age define our milestones and happiness. Eg if you were to only find your lifetime partner when you are 45, is that not better than settling for a guy you have some doubts of at 35.

So happy birthday to me and my twin. Life is good only if you nourish and cherish it.

A breakkk

We are in Chiangmai today. Decided to keep things simple and just chill for a few days here. Andrew is having a massage while I idle myself away in a nice shop having a kiwi smoothies. Simple pleasures I think weiyin could relate to. Hehe. We walked all over Chiangmai today but not particularly looking for anything, not like in the past when we would really hunt and track down those sights. U see, there is nothing much in Chiangmai except for temples and temples (350 of them).... And that is the whole idea. Just a break from it all and away from all the hustle and bustle of kl. And especially away from the office desk! Ok, ciao now. Chill and hv a kit kat if u must.

Intolerable

"Intolerance betrays want of faith in one's cause"- Mahatma Gandhi.

There's this change going on in my department. Work's being reshuffled around and we have timelines, get it done and move on to your new role. While no one is big on CHANGE, I've been through too many changes in most of my workplace to know that you've gotta do what you've gotta do else you'll just have to ship out, but it's not any rosier elsewhere. We have to stay lean and that's all there is to it. In the past, we don't give much thought to it. Just get going and do it. Because we understood. Staying lean is all that matters because that's what helps to keep you EMPLOYED.

But not this company. People have been spoilt. People are ignorant to the global recession that is looming towards us. While it's good to make the best of it and try to carve a better workplace for yourself, it should not be at the expense of others. It gets intolerable when it affects my work. While I would rather move on and have the transition done asap, others are taking a stroll, stalling for a hidden agenda. It didn't really bother me at first, but when one starts to churn excuse after another, now that's just unprofessional. Postponing and avoiding meetings, throwing new 'info' that only further stalls the transition, I mean that is just so 'low' and not to mention plain immature.

And why do I say people are spoilt. I went through recession without any pay increment, no bonus for 2 years. And to be moved project after project in different locations for different clients, for 3 years. In another company for 2 years, I commuted few times in a day to 2 different plants with no additional allowance. My work has always been ever changing and really we just need to embrace it.

Nobody likes to go to work like you're on a battlezone. Everyone has lost their objective just like any war. I just want to get on with my work, but yeah, intolerance is getting in the way. But what do i do? I could complain. Or I could try to reason out, but the hidden agenda would make all dicussion infutile anyways. I have made sure I send my point across though. Like it or not.

Old Friends

I met WY today and it's been almost 6 months since we last met. But the funny thing about old friends is that we immediately get into our childish mode when we meet. Never mind that it's in the office (and a rather serious one I must add). I knew her when we were 13 for god's sake. Makes me forget that I am a grown 33 year old , a wife and a 'worker'. We exchanged stories and really at some point I think it made me remember those carefree days at the lower hall and me, WY and imn were sitting idly talking rubbish waiting to get into class. Yar that's the effect some friends have on me. Like when SC called me last week. She is someone I sat with halfway through form 1 because I was too noisy. We never were in the same school after form 5 but our friendship prevails till today. Odd right? Same as for Wawa. We found a brilliant way to call each other last Friday and that can be hard on a different time zone but we did it anyways and it was like gossiping over coffee of the day all over again. I guess nothing comes without effort. If you feel you are falling out from your friends, ask yourself if you have really neglected them. Some friends understand that you have your obligations and trust that when they need you the most you'd be available anyways. I like to think that I can be that kind of friend. Not just a friend to hang out with. But a friend you can count on.

One or Two?

One of my colleague told me that parents who opt for having only one child are selfish. I ask why. He said that well it's selfish because the kid would not have any playmates and would grow up as a lonely child and to face the world alone after the parents are gone. I never thought of it that way. 'but it could be because people can't afford more than one kid these day' I tried to explain. He said well that is just nonsense because people of our parents generation used to have more than two children and they did just fine. And we are supposedly better off now comparatively. 'but people also marry late these days, hence it could also be a fertility issue' I said. His answer is simply why wait. I do know some people who were so sure they would not have kids...ever. But accidents happen and they bite on their own words later on. And then there is another woman who is also so sure she would not ever have kids. Simply because they are annoying. Really? Is that really a good enough reason? I wonder if it is something that needs reasoning anymore. Why would someone try to justify to bunch of nobodies like us, unless she is really only trying to justify her own self. It is hard enough to decide on having a child at all, let alone having one or two. I say, it is all in god's will. Why fret?

Beh Tahan

There are just some thing that really get on my nerves......
-Older people who think that they are wiser than u just because.
-People who are dismissive. Shuts u off before you can lay your case.
-People who don't listen. And ends up making you repeat and repeat. Or it could be that they didn't really care in the first place.
-Honestly, lately I am sick of people who are vulgar. Using the f word excessively. Or cracking sexist jokes and using vulgarities then expecting you to laugh.
-Pretentious people who tries to be a Brit/American/Australian ..talks relentlessly about it, speak with a fake accent and idolize them. It doesn't matter how long you have been there. You are a Malaysian through and through.
-Opportunists. Pounce on you before you know it.
-Materialistic people. Although we all would have some wants and that's truly ok. It's another thing to fb and show it off or making it a STANDARD. So I like fugly slippers because they are comfortable. And use functional handbags and not those branded ones.speaking of that, people seems to have lack of respect for other people's choices, and judge too quickly. So what if I like kopitiam kopi O compared to Starbucks? People give themselves such a a hard time sometimes trying to appear to be uppity and missing out all the good things.
-Forcing tradition on others. I think really this is a matter of choice. Same goes with religion. But I'll respects yours even if u do not respect mine. What I hate most are people who only preach but their action speaks otherwise. I wish I could tell these people sometimes. Before u do charity elsewhere, why not channel it to your family first. Why is that so hard to comprehend? Does being recognized as generous by the public or strangers more important than your own family's recognition?
-People baffles me at times. At times I try to say nice things or just appear to be polite so as not to offend others, but people treat this as a c'mon to be rude to me. Would it be better if I just shut up altogether.

However in all honesty, I still try my best to talk some sense or just say my peace. Sometimes I just wanna get it off my chest because life really is just too short to brush it off and keep quiet about it. People can choose to be ignorant but you shouldn't. At least I can say I tried.

Retreat

As I grow older, I realize why my good friend HG left KL, then to Singapore and finally settling in Ipoh for the rest of his life. He used to tell me he's sick of it all, the traffic jam in KL, the superficiality of Singapore and that he could not fit in with those people at all, being an introvert also does not help. I thought he was just being too darn difficult.

But it does get you thinking...life's less complicated for him now, and he's not stuck in a traffic jam, people in Ipoh are also generally nicer and maybe just less competitive compared to his colleagues in Singapore.

I'm surrounded with kiasu colleagues here, and office politics just get more and more nonsensical as I changed to a bigger MNC, perhaps because as I get older, I'm more aware of it all and know when or whom to stay away from. Everyday I gotta wake up early and try my best and come home early to beat the traffic jam and to cook a decent meal (also because we'll be stuck in traffic if we went out for dinner). And then, I have to work nights doing conference calls then retire for bed at 12 or 1am. Yes it does get you thinking, how can things get better. Andrew was just commenting yesterday that we've both been working nights and really it doesn't leave us much time to do anything else (i mean hobbies etc,), usually an hour before sleep we try to watch a movie in front of the idiot box.

Not that I would jump on the wagon and move to some remote place, but I think we all can be open about how to improve the quality of our lives.

An Unexpected Offer

An ex-client of mine called me up today and gave me a job offer. I worked briefly for her about 6 months about a year ago. It was one of those horrible projects that was doomed and no one wanted to do it. We didn't talk much and really it was very much a lot of project deliverables that was heavily scrutinized. I never really thought that I was really good at what I was doing because it was my first hand at recruitment. I was not really confident but gave a shot at it and learning as I carried on. The environment was very hostile because I was an on-site supplier. I got an incredible affirmation today when she unexpectedly told me that everytime she though of recruiting she always thought of me! Wow, and she's a corporate figure and held the role of HR director when I knew her. Sometimes we just need these little affirmation to keep us going. Thank you AC.

Miri Miri

It was a week in Miri for a training on negotiations and it was great learnings. You never know how much you really sucked until you attend this training, and practise with your peers, so at the same time you get to compare yourself with your peers. Asians tend to use less key words and speak less, and if they speak a lot, it's usually beating around the bush trying to make a point :) . I did however get to meet some Brunei-ans, and I think most people (even themselves think so!) agree that they are somewhat more aggressive and authoritative (or it could be just too superior-complexed).

Miri itself was a wonderful find. At first I thought I could never live there. Then I kind of liked the tranquility and simplicity of the place. People were generally nicer (or maybe I"m just lucky). My colleague in Miri was full of pride of Miri, showing us this and that as we took a stroll. I think you could ronda the whole town in 1 hour. Another colleague was eager to take us to the Tamu and the Heritage center, and excitedly showed us how to eat the buah salak.

Miri-Brunei relationship is somewhat like Johor-Singapore. It's amusing when they tell us stories about Brunei coming to Miri for grocery and Miri going to Brunei for the cinema!

Should consider cuti-cuti Malaysia and see more of Malaysia really. I just can't get enough of it.

bersih 2.0

another landmark event on the 9th july 2011. let's hope we materialize this effort during the upcoming election.

Attention Seekers

I had an interesting conversation with someone who said that growing up she knew that she never belonged in the popular group. I think so was I. I didn't really know why and didn't care really why some girls in my class always wants to be either the smartest, the prettiest, the most athletic, and the most popular. I'm sure most of them had wanted to be the best in what they do. But that girl who always wants to be the MOST POPULAR are usually an attention seeker.

That has never changed even at work. Someone is always wanting to be the MOST POPULAR. You have to understand that I've seen these kind of people year in year out all my life so yeah, I can easily spot one! They will do anything to get attention. Well, really if you ask me, I dont really give a damn. What I find really sorely disappointing is that these attention seekers usually are very self centered.

You know, those who are really saying something to you but not really conversing with you, because their eyes shift elsewhere, or their saying something that usually CENTERS around them. Example: if I say, hey I just bought a new car. Mr Popularity may just say, "what car did you get? Ohyea, and you know I've driven so many cars, porsches, beemers, merc blablabla. Like just last week i went on a trip to see F1...complimentary tickets...blablablabla...." And all the time, Mr Popularity is not really looking at you, but it looks like he is rather making a statement and ANNOUNCING it to anyone he thinks could hear. You get the drift.

So in short, Attention Seekers are usually not attentative to what you tell them. Test them. Ask them if they remember something you told them about. I have the same people asking me about whether I'm married or whether I have kids (I dont have one). It'll be like " hey, who's taking care of your child while you're away?", "when did you get married again?" " how old is your child again?" Now that just really pisses me off. I mean, I dont really demand for someone to be tentative to trivial stuff like how many moles I have (in case I may hv flippantly mentioned that), or when is my menstrual cycle, or how many annual leave I have...blablabla. But I would at least someone to remember if I was married or not! hahaha, or have a kid or not!

SO that's why, I've always stayed away from attention seekers. We have nothing in common and really the conversations are usually dry (cause always talking about them mah). I must say there are some people who are popular, or who may be attention seekers, but they are still able to give you that equal attention you deserve. But very rare lah. You know, 80/20 rule. Have you met one?

Club Med

I just got back from a dept trip to Club Med. The rooms condition were bad but I guess that's because we didnt get the newly refurbished ones. On a more positive note, I had a lot of fun playing games and games and games. :) Drinks were free flow but I did not drink much. RM1K seems pretty OK if you consider the food, liquor, activities, the sun, fun and yoga by the beach etc etc etc, for 3 days 2 nights. It was actually not too bad. Lots of bonding and having fun. I especially liked badminton and yoga by the beach ...it felt blissful to be away from everything. I didnt have to think about bills, housework, work, etc etc. The moment I came home, all the stress comes flooding in. :( All in all, it was good times and am glad I went despite all the uncertainties ( we had an awful program that had a lot of indoor games- that was scrapped last minute :) )

Another Casualty

Yet another casualty in marriage! A good friend of mine just announced that he's getting a divorce 4 years and a child later. The reason was plainly he has never loved her before! And really folks, this is not the first time I'm hearing this, whether from a female friend, or a male friend.

And it's always about settling for 2nd best, or that out of obligation that they stayed on with the partner, well yeah, after 7-8 years of paktoh-ing. Or that they realize just too late that they were not really compatible with their partners....

Makes you wonder if the underlying reason is because we do not spend enough time to assess our partners and measure our compatibility? Or did we marry because of peer and family pressure, or just the pressure to just settle down, get married, have kids the whole works of it all? Or is it because we in general no longer hold dear the matrimony of marriage hence we can't commit ? Or do we just take our partners for granted after few years, and think you deserve better after all?

While everything is fluffy and nice in the beginnings of a marriage, things get real ugly when you're getting through a divorce. My friend is going through paranoia, anxiety, worry, fear, etc etc. Suddenly you need to get a lawyer just to put your rights and thoughts in perspective, especially if there's a child involved in the whole equation. People get so jaded these days and would just say "Aiya, so common nowadays", "it will take 2 years tops, and let me know if you need me to introduce my lawyer to you".

It's kinda sad to know that in the expense of progress and modernization, I find people take marriage too lightly, and I could say many of my friends do take their partners for granted. I say, take a step back, and think hard. Marriage is a union, not a game.

OCD???????

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: I was helping a friend last night coming up with a checklist of everything that we need to ensure would be in order for an upcoming trip. And she said to unleash the OCD in me and think of everything that could ever go wrong or any nitty gritty details that we could have missed out.

Scary, I really find myself filled with paranoia and trying to literally cover ALL bases to ensure that nothing gets through my claws really. While this could be a good trait at work, because you don't get anything pass you, it can be really exhausting because you tend to be really hard on yourself since you are your own benchmark! Not that you can help it. OCD mah.

Like, I could never leave home if I was to spot a pillow that's not sitting perfectly upright on the couch. I've tried to just not do anything about it and LEAVE. But I'll be thinking about it the whole damn day and so as soon as I come home, I'll spank the pillow up and make sure it's straight! Gosh. There's just this nagging feeling in me where I gotta have everything in an orderly manner, I practically have everything at the same position, like the coasters, the plates etc.

So you can't imagine what's it like when I cook. The amount of cleaning I gotta do after each meal. *Groan* My mom was saying how lucky that my husband doesn't get to enter the kitchen at all....That's because his cleaning is never good enough for me! Sigh. Sometimes I would re-wash whatever he's washed...secretly, else he'll think I'm a cuckoo. (well, now he'll know when he reads this!).

While I dont think my house is spick and span....I know for sure that everything sits in a straight line and in order too. I dont just do spring cleaning once a year but every now and then, ya know. The funny thing is that my dad called me WORM when I was a child because of that, I was always arranging stuff at home!

Exhausting but I wonder, who else out there share the same predicament?

Facebook

Hey, I use facebook all the time. I use it to keep in touch with friends, to stay connected and drop a comment or two for fun, and if it's anything personal, I would send them a message. I guess there is no hard and fast rule on how to use facebook. it's your space and your right.

and it's also other people's right who perhaps find you offensive or for many other reasons then other people could also either HIDE all posts by your, or UNFRIEND you. Either way, facebook is all about freedom of speech and expression!

And so yeah, I may have then UNFRIEND you because:

1) you're constantly ranting about where you've been and how's it compared to all the other places you've been. There's a big difference between "i love taiwan a lot and would love to go there again" and "customer service in first class en route to Frankfurt, SIA anytime etc etc". While I would love to hear about where you've been, I don't like reading people telling me about places but intentionally dropping hints what a jetsetter you are.

2) you're getting way overboard with the mushies with your other half. while it's nice to see you post about how you've celebrated your anniversary, or even how you had a great wedding ceremony etc, I don't need to see declaration of love CONSTANTLY or 'hubby: muaks" etc and the exchange of love goes on and on and on.

3) you try to appear mystical and ethereal by posting status that is an open ended clue or a riddle that with underlying emo-ness. If you have something to say, be transparent, else take it offline. I just dont know how to react to status updates that are too emo.

4) you can't shutup! while I love to hear about you, I dont need to hear about you EVERY FUCKING HOUR. there are just some people who updates about waking up, then going to toilet, then going for breakfast, then to lunch, then work, then getting off work, then about the jam, dinner, then about going to sleep, or not going to sleep, or about to sleep or just not getting enough sleep! OMG. it's information overload and nonsense for one thing!

5) you spread rumours on facebook. I think most of us have been victims at some point in the facebook world. like the little rumor that i was pregnant before my wedding. nuff said.