Yee Sang

Up to my 8th Yee Sang before the start of CNY. I am taking note because it’s a privilege and blessing to have gatherings of such where we usher in the new year. It didn’t matter if some groups are small- up to 3 people only even. It’s a testimony of friendships that last. Most are practically friends who grew up with me , seen me through everything. PS: looking forward to meet pah mid Feb!

I am however not obsessed with CNY decor and getting new clothes. I just feel it’s a waste of money and I try to be a minimalist. But this year I got some new clothes for myself and Lucas. He is older now so he no longer JUST wear whatever I want him to. Although 60% of the time he would oblige anyways. 

This year is also a year of I think work turmoil but here’s hoping a rather small one. I often joke about the company’s politics are really no different from Malaysia govt politics. They decide our fate unless you bother to rub the right shoulders in your favour. But at your deathbed would these all even matter ?

Also volunteered myself to tutor my nephew. I thought actions speak louder than words. I jsut hope I don’t bite on my words later LOL. 

Meanwhile - I think after 40++ years I really ought to master saying good stuff in Cantonese during lou hei !

Retirement and such

Reflections from the year- as I grow older and friends around me have been prompting my thoughts on retirement plans. The year has been quite eventful on the work end and family side too-been always invested in trying to find new things to do at work , but few older people have told me to perhaps channel my energy onto my own retirement plans. “Sprint to my own personal investments “. Have not really put much thought into this - I have always been on a “savings” mode , sometimes indulging on things I like to do. Eg I have been signing up for classes 1) for my own personal interest 2) try new things 3) develop new skills 4) bringing my son along for his own development too. 

I suppose I have never envisioned this era in my 40s would come to a realisation I better have a plan! I could play the investment card and make enough for me to continue my not so lavish lifestyle… but comfortable enough to do what I want, eat and drink what I like.. Or I could start a business - hopefully something I like to do and envision myself doing for the next 20 years. Or do nothing and pray for some promotion that would still give me a good run towards retirement. 

Recently inspired by my I think first boss ever who had decided he has enough of strategising and making money for the company…. And opened a cafe in a quiet place with tranquil surrounding. It’s small but it’s channeling what he loves best - cooking . 

I would love to find that balance. I don’t want a hectic life for sure and don’t think my body could withstand another stressful run for the money .

Something back of mind is also what if I could no longer run…. It will have to be yoga … or maybe play some music? Pick up that guitar again that I could never master.

2022 Lesson Learned

What a year this has been ; I learned that:

1) How to not care anymore … and what I mean by that is to be even more direct and blunt . Say what you mean and mean what you say. I feel this is rather easier said than done because even for me personally I tend to not want to hurt the other person’s feelings . But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And if not, erase it like it just doesn’t matter. 

2) How to say No. and it’s hard. It’s also a constant reminder to put ourselves first and that’s not natural for most people.

3) Love those around you. The family and the friends that stick with you are what truly matters. It’s been rather overwhelming and I could always count on family to support and friends to lend a listening ear. And it can really just be a random rant over text or a quick 5 mins call is really all we need. 

4) Letting go. The struggle between letting your kids grow and be independent vs you worrying constantly if they are ok or would be ok. You just have to say “go, do your thing” but you need to also suppress your need to constantly check on them. Is it the same for other parents out there ? 

5) You can only do your best. And if the best is not good enough I think ask where to improve because skirting around it won’t help anyone. I am really at a point where I’d say “ tell me. Give it to me straight. And if I can work on it , I will but if I can’t I will let you know.” And if your best ain’t good enough for nobody then so be it. 

To 2021 we go

We are closing in to the end of 2020 with much uncertainties of the pandemic whether we will see the end of it ....Whether we still get to keep our jobs and at what cost. I don’t even know if school is going to start soon. But if anything I learnt this year is that it’s ok to have no control, it’s ok to not know, and that I learnt to be PRESENT. Who and what matters now - not just your family & close ones but the precious friendships that we sometimes take for granted. I didn’t pick up a new skill in 2020 ( ok maybe I manage to whip some quick meals skills! ), but I learnt to stay in touch. Ok 2021, please be kind. 

2020

What a year this has been, and what a ride it has been and continues to be ! It’s the year of the covid19 pandemic. I can’t remember the last time I was this overwhelmed ; might have been during Lucas first year . But this is way way longer than that. I have I think lost about 9kgs. Probably ran about close to 2500km. Started cooking again daily. The worst was probably the first 3 months as I battle work and Lucas’ online school at home. I think few could relate to this ordeal but keeping sane was a huge feat. So I have probably watched more series than I would have really liked to. There are days when I embraced working from home, but there were also days when I craved for company. I did spent more time with Lucas though I have to admit not all were quality time. It is possible that you may love someone but might not necessarily need to see that person 24hours/day? 

Of Integrity and Such

It’s been the most trying 2 weeks at work - to be mentally fit and stay resilient. I am at my peak but am also at my weakest and most vulnerable. But I feel the ordeal is over but not without my bestie with me. She may not know this but she is somewhat my pillar of strength , it’s comforting to know someone has got my back, someone who has nothing but good intention and love. I know when I am at my darkest hour, I can lean on you. 

Making an Effort

My friend told me yesterday that I should recharge my blog.... so I am going to make an effort thisis year to write more. It was also a conversation about making effort to find time for ourselves. I struggle with that but I have successfully found a routine that works for me to have my time with friends, Lucas , and my own time for things that I enjoy. I am also making and effort to try and celebrate people’s birthdays ( people who matters to me). We often take our close friends for granted because we know they are always there. I try my best to do what I can and for people that I can... but it’s always about making an effort. It’s always easier to say do it tomorrow, call that friend tomorrow. It’s not that hard if you think about how it would make you feel and how the other person would feel. I hope to celebrate my eldest sister’s birthday this year ( in 3 weeks time). Been thinking about her. Peace.

Of friendship and love

I left our dinner place with a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart. One of them said she didn’t want to share our company and I am glad she said that because there isn’t another group I would like to be with than these 3 ladies. It’s not always we find people we can trust, love and care in our lives- I thank god for somehow making our paths cross. It’s been quite a depressing month since my accident....and with these ladies I don’t have to say much. 

Again I am reminded of this story. 

"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."

"Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There. No more; no less.

♥️♥️♥️

My Great Fall

Had a great fall last week. Eyes are bruised and lip got cut. Homebound for 1 week at least. I'll need to wear shades to work next week. But what did i learn?
1) I should really take a break, give my body a break, and my eyes a break.
2) All work can wait! I need to tell myself that.
3) That friends that care are the best! Even if it's a simple text encouragement.
4) I miss my colleagues, I know now that I should appreciate them more.
5) My family, bless them, is also going through some rough patches, but we are the Toh troopers. Nothing is impossible for us.


I'm feeling a little gloomy now. Like Eeyore. And there was this story about Pooh and Piglet who tried to cheer Eeyore up, but only offered silence as companionship. That seems to be all that matters. I'm generally a Tigger, so need to get myself up again.

The year I won 5 awards

This year was definitely my year- won 5 awards - dubbed the award winning CP. what a year it has been with many tears and sweat. I was telling my colleague, most of these awards are for the projects that nobody believed in. Nobody supported. Some were even laughed at. I always find it satisfying to make the impossible happen. I find people are so cruel to each other how we put down others’ effort and project. It has been a humbling year. Sadly, the projects where I channeled my most energy at are often the projects that are more tedious which nobody wants to know, behind the scene kinda stuff. But it’s just as rewarding to me in every sense. Every small win matter in that space. And all it matters is that the heart knows. 

Craving for Affirmation

People are funny creatures. People around me are always wanting someone's approval, or another's compliment or someone else to say "you are really good". Who wouldn't want it? But to crave for it...... ? I would just do as I normally would and pray for the best. If I get recognised well yeay for me, and if I don't, the satisfaction of just getting the work done would suffice for me. Not everyone of course thinks the same. People will sometimes ask me - why nobody rewarded them for something that they clearly should get recognised for. Actually I know so many people who has this need to

Be recognised. And to find like minded people can be difficult. I know of 2 like minded colleagues and it's so easy to talk to them. We are not on the kiasu run. Kiasi maybe. And I don't seek for affirmation. Especially from people that I think are not opinion-worthy. We should just be contented - knowing that we have done our very best in everything that we set out to do.

Incompetence

That's the tag line for the week- incompetence of supplier/colleagues, incompetent leaders and incompetent teachers! I have spent the week with various parties almost like a broken record on why we do certain things and how we should do it. I have mentioned to the organisation boss that I am willing to help/teach/do as long as the person is willing to learn. At some point I had to admit some people are just taking on something they cannot handle. They lack the competence to handle any conflicts whether big or small. It can be very "menyampah" working with people in my company who has not worked outside before. Always offering flowery solutions before real diagnosis. I have had bosses before who would have grilled me if I had done that -It didn't matter if I had to dismantle a car or a defective part Or troubleshoot a machine, just get it right. And stop wasting everyone else' time.

The one that is really beyond my control are incompetent leaders... especially if they are my leaders. Sure we have platforms to raise our concerns - but incompetent leaders as I mentioned to my boss need to humble themselves and learn! Whether it hurts their egos or not- I don't really care because incompetent leaders make the subordinates life miserable when the subordinates know the governance and processes better.  If your basics and foundation are weak then you lose all credibility. Zilch. I shut out when they speak. I did confront the person only to reaffirm my stand. I still did whatever I was told to but not without a fight.

It was just Thursday when I sat through what must have been the most unfulfilling business review with a partner who absolutely came prepared to grill us and the supposed leaders in their fluffiness and lack of thorough plan......I sat there baffled that I have worked in worse companies and despite lacking in education, they never let the suppliers hold their balls, they would never enter a meeting without a plan to walk away with what they want. 

And next incompetent teachers- I know Malaysia is full of them, but I don't like to walk out of an issue without having tried my best. And so Lucas scored zero for his Chinese spelling test. The teacher asked for my signature. I signed of course but I queried if the words were too difficult, was there something we can do? Of course I was being naive- she did not reply me however subsequently the words became less difficult.I guess from a teacher I have expected a response. I plan to have a 1:1 with her when report card day comes. 

Yes all in a gist of 5 days. But all , we shouldn't give up . If people are incompetent it doesn't mean we accept it. If you accept it, you are the moron.  I always think one tiny step is better than nothing. Take the step to intervene or do just anything, at least we walk away having tried our best.

Double appreciation

Thursday has been a day of gratefulness. I was really very tired and the thought of going off site for a dispute meeting was not helping at all. Just few days ago on a Sunday I was told I need to cover for a project temporarily due to resource constraints. I was on a double shift almost because stakeholders were demanding. Honestly the thought of going for a holiday scares me because my work would be piling up. Was trying my very best to clear as much backlog as possible.

Then came the call from the MD secretary - the MD wants to see me and the shocked me was stunned to receive an appreciation gift from him for a crisis that happened 2 weeks ago. The humble man said that he knows I am very busy and would just like to take a moment to give me a pandora bracelet. My boss was happy of course she knew I was not the most feminine person around hahah. But it's the thought that counts. So unexpected , I think he has a flair of being unassuming.

On the same day my boss gave me a recognition award for some issues I have managed. She knows I am about to go for a personal trip that would costs me a bomb.

I am indeed blessed and feel truly appreciated. I have already been a silent reformer , an ant worker even so is often overlooked.  But the last few years has been great. Praying for a peaceful working days ahead though! Adios

Pengsan

A colleague pengsan this month - possibly burned out from all the bustle towards the biggest campaign this year. Sigh. Been telling people around me to take it easy. I gotta remind myself too. When I miss a deadline , when I miss the first 5 mins of a meeting, when I juggle 2-3 meetings st the same time...... the company does not collapse because of one person! I find myself pfffting over the really what to me is not the end of the world shit. I often sit through some conversations at work and think to myself why do people react the way they do. Like overreact. Overdoing. Over engineering. My good friend at work, he said something that he often says but only this week I truly get it. He said that we all should just sometimes take a chill pill, take a step back and evaluate if any of the things that we want to do is even in our control? Are we fighting a lost battle? At the end of the day- we are just in it for a ride so just enjoy it la. I spend less time fretting over the whys and hows. 

The Channel

i sat through a discussion yesterday trying to grasp what a digital marketing person want my vendor to produce. Digital marketing guy is asking me to channel it to my vendor because he thinks that I get it and the vendor doesn't. Of course, I think my vendor does get it- but choose to pretend he doesn't, hoping that he will get away without doing it. 

Repeat this 3 times a day for different scenarios, it could be engineering works, marketing, partnership- everyone seems to play this game and I am the moderator/ counselor/instigator/culprit most of the time. 

I wonder if people understand that we sweat the small stuff- what's important in their lives?  I met someone who made a remark to me " you are just like me- we just wanna get the job done". End of rant

Minimalist

People always complicate things - work, holiday, travel, logistics. It could also be I am getting old I guess. Things are simple to me - I know what I want and I just do it if I have the means and time. I declutter every weekend if I could- throwing out things that has no value to me ( people

Who know me would say that I hardly own anything). I donate what I can- Lucas is very privileged ; he had enough toys to last an orphanage, great boh bohs and grandparents that buy him lots of clothes and toys. But truly he has too many he tends to forget he has such and such toys. It may come as a shock to some people but I only have less than 10 pairs of shoes - work/sports/leisure. I don't even carry a handbag to work, everything in the mandatory laptop bag, for security reason and I really don't fancy carrying a handbag. Something most women would not understand hahah. My boss who is the complete opposite of me says I am a plain Jane. To be honest I am not at all offended - it is what makes me who I am. Owning something does not make me happy- maybe just slightly hehehe. What makes me happy well that's another post all together. 

Young Ones

Where I work now I deal with lots of young people in Marketing.... young, energetic and great bunch.  I have to say that millennial this and that or Gen XY this and that are all bullshit. I love the energy that they exude. It's also bullshit to generalise them because just as in my generation there are also different types amongst us. This great bunch that I work worth are never afraid to ask  and learn, they are focused and driven. I respect them on every level- I told my boss the other day that we are never one person's coach because very often we get coached as well- we learn from each other without us knowing it..... I think if we seek for knowledge and be humble to listen, we all can learn. Just because they are younger it doesn't mean that we have nothing to learn from them. Over lunch  with them I learnt that they discovered very early not to take money for granted--and that I should really let Lucas a chance to learn Mandarin. While I know it's an advantage I didn't think of it as a necessity. On days when I need and uplift , their energy really helps.... all the ideas churning sessions- love it ! So those in my generation, before we start generalising the young ones -hear them out and you may learn something today 

Blessed

This is the year to be thankful for many things. My parents for always being there for me to support me still. It's the peace of mind when I am struggling at work that I would never have to worry about Lucas or dinner or housework..... I don't know what I would do without them. 39 and I am blessed to still have them beside me. And Andrew for managing Lucas in an area where I could never excel in -

Play.

Am also grateful for my new role - albeit still in the same company, the struggle of a new environment is eased with my ever funny partner in crime, a boss that I can work with and my boss' boss who is I think probably the best leader in this company. She is selfless, understanding, funny, caring yet demanding and nurturing. Not easy to strike that balance. How do you push someone to greater heights without stressing them out ! For that I am thankful and I hope she never leaves her role!!!! CP , I worry about your health though . We must remember that in our bleakest moment it is not the work that we reminisce on... 

Circle of life

It's been a whirlwind quarter- new job and new experiences. It has also rekindled some of my favourite friendships- isn't it odd how at your most darkest moment that your true friends appear. I think I am still adapting to a new job, new boss, new environment but it's not my first experience. It always seem that it's been everchanging for me - I am yet challenging my comfort zone. It was just maybe 2-3 months ago, my good friend told me in an interview ( I was interviewing him with my boss) that it was the 2nd time in a decade that he was interviewed by me. I must admit that send chills down my spine. So much has happened in a decade, and here we are like a bad tape.

While it is a new job and experience it is a repeat of what I go through year in year out. Change. Frustration. Excitement. Perseverance. A lot of hard work. "If you are going through hell, keep going"- Winston Churchill 

Charity

It amazes me when I hear from friends who would do all sorts of charity whether in church or for some random cause- it's just that I have never been that kind of girl. For some reason it just never really propelled me into ever putting others first that way unless it was a family member. These are strangers after all! My mother who is a Buddhist always tells me- charity starts from home. Why bother with others if you could not even manage your own family / help your relatives etc ? It may just seems strange to some people I think why I hardly donate, why I don't particular feel for any cause. I wonder if I am alone on this.