I think it has arrived.postnatal depression. I have not stopped feeling guilty since his birth. The fact that he came early at 33 weeks. I kept trying to remember if I did anything wrong the day before, or throughout the pregnancy. Though I keep telling myself not to, I can't help it. The week at the hospital was probably the hardest time for me.
Everyone told me breast milk is good, but I didn't hv enough to feed him.... Only mum said that is is ok, and told me not to get stressed about it. It didn't help that every friend even if they are not close keep telling me, work harder on getting the breast milk. I wish I could. I don't know if I didn't have enough rest or that I didn't pump more frequently or whether I just worry too much, or I didn't eat enough.
After confinement, I am now doing the feeds around the clock for Lucas. It is tough and rewarding at the same time. Although mum and Andrew helped, it still feel like it is a big weight on my shoulder. Whether I swaddled him correctly, held his neck properly, help him poop, feed him right and on time, or that I still can't shower him properly. Burns my heart when I see him cringe and grunt trying to poo or just being cranky (and I don't know why).
Is it just me, or does every mum feels like she needs to watch over the child all the time. ....
My only comfort is really my mum. She makes it so easy and tries to make it easy for me. She shared a lot of stories and experiences as a mom that just says everything will be ok and that I should take it easy and not to worry too much. Seeing her day in day out doing all the motherly chores so diligently makes me feel things will be ok.