Counting my blessings

I Hv been meaning to post this. I count my blessing everyday that I have a chance to be a mummy to Lucas, a husband who is devoted to the family, parents who help me in my journey and supportive sisters. I find that there is nothing I can do ever to show my gratitude. Have u ever felt this way before. Family who does leaps and bounds for no other reason than love. I hope Lucas continues to grow up surrounded with love from everyone. It is times like this that I wish for nothing else but that the moment stays stagnant forever where nobody ever leaves us. It has always been my fear that I would lose someone I love. Especially family. It was not easy to accept the demise of my grandma and really I am not sure how I would handle losing another loved one. I hope we stay like this forever  .

You will never walk alone

"You will never walk alone". And yet I have never been more alone at times in this journey as a working mother and wife. There are times when I am beyond exhaustion that I just do not want to say anything anymore. Mom thinks I have had it easy already and I do agree to some degree. I don't need to worry about babysitter or my dinners after work because my mom takes care of these two most important area. And only one child. 

I do agree but we live in an era where work is more competitive and stressful. I am one of those who don't really compare with others but it does not mean I stop keeping up and progressing in my career. I just don't go all out but I still gotta perform at least within the required benchmark. 

And at the same time I am all the time expected to cater to every aspect of my child's needs. Diapers, milk, clothes, feeding, bath time, sleep , night feeding, poo, books, diaper bag , snacks , water etc you name it. Me and only me. Let's not forget in between all this I still have housework. 

I know we women are born to juggle....but really I could use a break. It would be nice one day to come  home with all housework done... Or necessity get bought even before I could think of it, or bills get paid in advance. 

The house renovation is another big project and unfortunately the burden lies on me to get things together. I envy other women who don't need to lift a finger , and to have the assurance that everything gets taken cared of. In my case, nothing ever gets taken care of without my intervention !

You may say I need to chill and let others do the worrying but no. Not when money is involved. Too much is at stake. Like I can wait till someone else do the housework but hygiene would be compromised and it doesn't go down well when you have a kid. Or wait for the house Reno to get sorted out on its own but no. I am paying for two homes now..

My colleague asked me one day why my whatsapp status was Persevere. If I do not persevere then what else I could do? Cry? I like to think I am a fighter and choose to soldier on. Even if I have to walk alone.

Independence

Once you become a mother you suddenly find your time locked down - you need to be home on time to fetch your kid either from the babysitter or in my case from my mom. You also gotta learn to juggle your time on your own like when to do your housework and simple things like shaving your legs.

For the longest time I didn't have the courage to strap Lucas on the car seat and drive him home myself. Because he will fuss and cry. Also coz I was coward. Both of us had to take him home or if he can't then my mom. Logistics nightmare. Few weeks back when my mom had a health scare I decided to brave the jam with Lucas. So far so good, I just need to throw toys at him and feed him honey stars. I consider this a major win for myself.

One step at a time. My next challenge - lunchtime with Lucas in a joint. I have done it before but have never driven out. Think I will walk somewhere nearby for now

A new hobby

I have had few hobbies but things kinda stopped when Lucas came along. But it's time to resurrect some or embark on new ones if possible. It used to be cooking, music, movies, travelling. I wish to resurrect these soon. And blogging too. That needs some attention now. Currently I love interior designing also because I am renovating our new home! Suddenly kitchen cabinets, lights, taps and etc sounds exciting these days!

Someone somewhere said we shouldn't stop having hobbies just because we became mummies. Peace.

My innocent child

My toddler squeal in delight when I tickle him or pretend to eat his legs. Sometimes I whisper to him to call daddy. I love his wide eyes that stares into mine. And then he flashes a big smile it really melts me. Till today he still kisses me before he gets into the tub..... Hihi .he has been a little grabby too these days😁.
In the back of my mind I wish he could be my baby forever but if course he has to learn to walk, to self feed, to talk, to listen instruction. But more than ever I feel a need to equip him to face this big fat world. An ugly one too. In a way I m glad he is a boy, imagine all the worry I would have if I had a daughter!
I know one day he would probably be too busy for his mummy ,but that's ok. I hope my blog leaves him something to guide him. I might not know a lot but I guess I put a lot of my thoughts here.
It is exactly one week before I cast my vote. This is for you Lucas. I hope you see a better Malaysia.

Respect

People have lost this value. Respect for oneself, for your wife, for the mother of a child. I have a thing about people trying to impose what they think is right to your chid just because of maybe hearsay, or just because they were mothers before. At times I like to listen first without judging because I do respect that these people have experience but I immediately get annoyed if one starts harping on it as if repeating themselves would make me do as they say. I think others should respect that my mom who is the caregiver and me the main caregiver have gotten this far and while we may not be the best but we must have gotten something right as Bubu hits his eleventh month! The most annoying is about having porridge. Sounds so trivial but really it does get to me. My mom doesn't believe in porridge and who am I to judge her, she raised me just fine so I listen to her reasoning and leave it as that.

I also find it annoying people tend to take Bubu as some trophy. Real love you think? I think real love is the sleepless nights, the feedings, the playtime, the poo poo episodes, the endless morning and evening walks, the days when he is sick that we pour in for the past 11 months. People like to snatch him away from him as if to distract him sometimes without asking me, all because he will stick to mummy. People don't read enough to know that this is not right as it would build unnecessary trauma of being snatched and being abandoned. Babies don't know enough to know that you are just fooling around with him. Well, at least have the decency to ask the Mother first before attempting on any stunts you think is right.

The ,it's goes on and on. Finally it really just boils down to respect. What works with other babies may not work for Bubu. Respect that the mother has toiled 9 months and we should know best. 

Jugglers

It is Lucas' 3rd week staying with us including weekdays, we are no longer weekend parents. While this does seems challenging it is worthwhile waking up to my baby every morning even if it is 4 am in the morning. Countless zombified morning feeds and interrupted sleep, and zoning out at work. But the body is amazing that I very quickly adapt.

Work has started to slow down a bit for me. Last year was really challenging doing with few tenders running simultaneously amongst everything else. There are higher expectations now tht I m in a higher grade.

And all this while I try to be a good mother. It is the toughest job in the world. How can you chill about being a mom, but you have to else you really lose your sanity. I must admit I had terrible outbursts usually at Andrew but I realize he is as much a clueless father as a blur mommy that I am! I am just better equipped with my maternal instinct! Having my mom and dad and the support system that I have ( my sisters) really helped. There were so many times my sisters would take over and carry him around and I count my blessings every time quietly because he is a heavy boy!

And we are all jugglers, with work and family but seeing Bubu growing up and reaching his milestones just lit up my tiring sleepy days.