Thursday, October 25, 2012


I so wanted to start writing again since several weeks ago, but I am so overwhelmed these days. I bet all mommies feel this way. Mind you that I am lucky that I don't do night feeds on  weekdays Since Lucas stays with my mom and I only attend to him in the evenings, and weekends. But I am still exhausted. My day begins at 6 am, mad rush to Cyberjaya. My work includes support Malaysia and Netherlands, but I report to the US. Which means night calls! So I clock out by 4pm, rushes to my sister's place and takes over from mom in layan-ing Lucas, shower, feeding and putting him to sleep, and catch dinner in between. All these done by 8pm, and thn I would rush back to my home to get onto my night conference calls, granted not every night but on average 3 night. And all this with doing the laundry and house chores plus doing the bills in between.

I secretly take a breather in the mornings when I reach the office.... Al though these days I am playing catch up with my emails since I get it from around the globe ...sigh. I cherish my lunch hour.... Really it is the only time when I munch my food PROPERLY..... My dinners are always a 5 min meal since Lucas would be cranky wanting to sleep.

Things are not getting any easier at work either since I got the promotion in Nov2011. There are higher expectations and the competitive environment doesn't help. I try to stay grounded and true doing my very best to my own capability. That is about all I aim to do at this point. I am not juggling more plates than I can handle. I want to say that things have not changed but I must admit I had to now prioritize... Some things that in the past I would not have let off so easily I now try to take a  chill pill and let it be. I look at what's worth my time and stress over.

Weekends I get Lucas but the constant shuttling can be overwhelming. I do wish I could have him on weekdays but for now, this is the best solution while keeping myself sane. My target is to have him even weekdays nights before he turns one. I tried to change my current work situation but it does not look promising, so I guess suck it up and just MANAGE it. Sun nights are always tough for me because I have to "return" him to my mom...come Monday I immerse myself in work to sort out the separation anxiety...but by 4 pm... I bolt right out of the office building. I am at my sister's place in 30 mins..... Cyberjaya to Ara Damansara, in 30mins. No joke. Sometimes I am so sleepy I have to remind myself to focus on the road..

It all sounds exhausting but I guess it is part and parcel of what it means to be a mother. Seeing him  grow makes everything else seems frivilous. I never really felt a need to get away from him to meet friends. Usually it is the fathers who feel this way. I made it clear to my boss and friends, my duty as a mother and daughter comes first. So although my mom says take a break, go out with your friends, I can't bear the thought of my 60 something mom juggling between making dinner and taking care of Lucas t the same time. Granted she has a maid, but I should not rely on others if I can help it. Maybe I am just too anal about it, but I made it a point that I would meet my friends only once I put Lucas to sleep. It is very easy for one to just leave it to their wives... As a full time working mom I juggle but I commit to my motherly duties. It is easy to say oh I have too much work, i need to work overtime? But I know if I don make it to my mom's by 5pm, the burden falls on my mom. and not anyone else. Come 4 pm, I just have to tell myself, look you have unfinished work but you have no choice but to stop, and convene once you have attended to your son's needs.. So I end up most of the time continuing work at night.... Or really early morning and sometimes during lunch.

I guess what really irks me is that men don't really have this mindset. They don't mind if the other assumingly more capable women of the likes of moms, moms-in-law or the wife takes on this responsibility. Much has not gone to dwell on the role of the father. In the past men may be the sole breadwinners , but this day and era, that is no longer the case. Women also shares the monetary burden, and I mean the average working mothers. And yet, the women are to date still the Number 1 caregiver. What gives? I don't want to dwell on whether this is fair or not. My take is your loss is my gain. Despite the exhaustion and stress, I gain because I really enjoy seeing him grow day by day. I don't want to just play with him at my convenience. I really want to be involved and be part of his first few years. Sadly, men don't see it that way. They like to take care of their child WHEN it is convenient for them. When work is done.

Some thinks that I am too intense... Or tensed up... But I rather have something passionate to live for, and if not for my son, then what else?

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