100th day

Lucas has come a long way. He is surely our little fighter boy. From a mere 2.24kg he is now more than 5 kg! Even mummy and daddy have graduated from being totally clueless to oh well less clueless in taking care of him. he has some minor milestones like smiling, hearing sounds, tossing his head from side to side and his neck is getting stronger too. I am glad he is not afraid of the cold anymore. He doesn't need to wear preemie clothes anymore too. We have also taken him out a few times and well that is a milestone for us! I am gad we made it past a few hurdles, first his incubator for warming, jaundice, running nose, cough , fever....now he has slight eye discharge but I think it is going away! Can't wait for him to crawl. Not sure how to make him do tummy time though.... Well, we will learn together!

Adjusting...

Sloppiness really irks me because it shows you don't care enough to do things right. So if there is nothing you care enough to do things right, that also shows you have no pride in anything. I like to think that I tried my best at least at work, housework and taking care of Bubu. Just this week I pushed myself to get some work done in advance for next week, and tried to do all my housework tonight 30mins before my conference call at 9pm. I have also diligently tried to get to my sister,s place by 5 pm so that I can take over from my mom and essentially giving her a break. Sometimes we take her for granted and I tell myself that really there is no excuse for me to be late , I would just need to make adjustment and manage my time. I should not expect my mom to assume the role of the main caregiver. Just because she doesnt complain does not mean it is easy for her. It is all the more important that we strike a work life balance. It is rather disappointing that sometimes as women we are expected to be the main caregiver and to sacrifice our career. I believe as parents we all should make an effort, after all women bring in money to the household too. I think if you want to bring a child to this world, be responsible.dont rely on others.

I started a joke...

And another gibb bites the dust... Some of my favorites are Run to me, I started a joke, Heartbreaker.... Rip

Bitching

I can't believe I am back at work after a tumultuous 2 months after delivery. First 2 weeks at work was frankly uncomfortable. I was out of touch from the real world and was not too anxious to leave the me and Bubu world so soon. Also because it was back to a lot of bitching at work. There seems to be endless stream of things and people that irritate me at work. I do blame the environment and the way the company is set up where there are too many people doing small segments of work. People are spoilt and really too idle so they resort on bitching and whining bout work. Sigh. For that, although I love my very few selected lunch partners that I adore, I look forward to leave at 4 pm sharp everyday so I can make it in time to see Bubu and make it to his 6pm feed. Lame but holding him in my arms makes me feel that all that sadness and angst at work seems so minute. It is a vicious cycle because I would have to leave him every night and go back to work at night attending night conference calls and sit through lame work stuff. Sigh. To stay positive these days I think we need to just stay out of work related topics during lunch. I think I will advocate that moving forward.

Back to work!

Going back to work coming Monday. Missing Bubu already. I don't feel comfortable leaving him even when it is just n hour or so... How to leave him overnight with my mom for four days in a week......

Also I am so not in the working mode yet. I love working but dread the emails and the workload that piled up since my emergency maternity leave.....

3.5kg

As of last Friday, Bubu is 3.5kg and on to normal formula milk now. Hate to say it but I have given up on breast milk. :(

Postnatal depression

I think it has arrived.postnatal depression. I have not stopped feeling guilty since his birth. The fact that he came early at 33 weeks. I kept trying to remember if I did anything wrong the day before, or throughout the pregnancy. Though I keep telling myself not to, I can't help it. The week at the hospital was probably the hardest time for me.

Everyone told me breast milk is good, but I didn't hv enough to feed him.... Only mum said that is is ok, and told me not to get stressed about it. It didn't help that every friend even if they are not close keep telling me, work harder on getting the breast milk. I wish I could. I don't know if I didn't have enough rest or that I didn't pump more frequently or whether I just worry too much, or I didn't eat enough.

After confinement, I am now doing the feeds around the clock for Lucas. It is tough and rewarding at the same time. Although mum and Andrew helped, it still feel like it is a big weight on my shoulder. Whether I swaddled him correctly, held his neck properly, help him poop, feed him right and on time, or that I still can't shower him properly. Burns my heart when I see him cringe and grunt trying to poo or just being cranky (and I don't know why).

Is it just me, or does every mum feels like she needs to watch over the child all the time. ....

My only comfort is really my mum. She makes it so easy and tries to make it easy for me. She shared a lot of stories and experiences as a mom that just says everything will be ok and that I should take it easy and not to worry too much. Seeing her day in day out doing all the motherly chores so diligently makes me feel things will be ok.

Full moon!

Lucas reached another milestone. Today marks the 1 st month..... It has been a trying month but as most mothers will say preemies are fighters. All's well and as hard as it may be I am starting to have breast milk although not a lot, but the doc said even 10ml is good enough. This is also thhe month I started to learn to feed, wipe his shit, change his diapers and swaddling him. Still learning , it is tougher than any job really. Next week would be another tough star to a month, but looking forward to it. Being parents is most rewarding but it is also a lifelong commitment.

Anxious

Confinement lady leaves on the 25 th. then I am on my own. Thank god mom is back and she would be helping me out the next month. Hoping for the best for myself and especially Bubu.

The confinement lady

With the early arrival of Bubu, I was lucky that I got the replacement confinement lady in time. My mom was also scheduled fr a trip to UK to visit my sis so I was really lucky that the confinement lady in time. at first it was weird having someone else in the house and also to surrender my kitchen and baby chores to her. But I guess we all have to adapt.

I decided to change my attitude and decided to be friends with her. Sure she is naggy and often repeats herself....So I started to get to know her better. In between we swoon over Bubu. When I need a break I take a nap or go to my IPad. And took this chance to learn as much as I could about tending to baby's needs (mind you, there isn't an SOP since Bubu's habits change as the day goes by).

She seems to have had a tough life, two kids with a no-good husband who couldn't stay on a job permanently. So she had a really interesting set of odd jobs to make ends meet. Mahjong centre, maid in Japan, kopitiam, hawker, chef ( I am still discovering). She is also sama kampung as my mom which delighted my mom coz she only met Auntie once before my mom went off to Uk. My mom said I will be in good hands. One of her sons is doing well, staying just nearby in a far bigger house than ours with a maid. The other son is an Ah Long ( errr, all the more I should be friendly with her). Asked her why bother working then ... Confinement jobs are tough! Seriously! Imagine dealing with a cranky woman with postnatal mood swings, and a wailing baby and at the same time adapting to a new place while doing house chores etc. She said no work makes Jack a dull boy, in short.

I guess every reason has his/ her stories to share. And we all can learn from just about anyone if we wanted to. I learnt that caring for a baby really requires a lot patience and observation.... It is not like work when we can hentam and sometimes get away with it. I also learnt about determination, she too is a mother and she shared about her labour of love to her two sons. Until now, she tries to think of ways to open a business for his youngest son. Despairs me when I hear her calling people to find jalan for the son, and it was just recently she had to close down a kopitiam that she opened for the son. Salut.

nyone wants recommendation let me know.

Umbilical cord

Bubu's umbilical cord got detached yesterday whilst having his shower. The special bond between me and him when I was pregnant. I guess it is a milestone as it marks his 14th day. Mom said to store it in an Angpow and keep it stashed somewhere in the house. I waited for Andrew to do this since he is the dad.

Grow well, Bubu.

Confinement

I got myself a confinement lady to help out during the first month. As u already know, baby Lucas came early and in the chaos luckily we got a replacement pretty quickly. The confinement month is meant for me to rest while the confinement lady tends to my needs and the baby' s.

It really seems like a super duper heavy job for one woman alone. In the mornings she cooks brunch for me, showers the baby, and make the yucky herbal bath for me. We usually then take Lucas for a sun tan before 10am. Thereafter she takes care of the baby in terms of feeding and cleaning his poo and urine. That is until way in the evening were she then makes dinner ala confinement cuisine. After dinner she then carries on to feed Lucas in the wee hour of the morning. Tough job, and may I just say these one are over 50 plus.

Well, I now know it is truly an impossible task (except of my mom who is as efficient as a bee). So far I have been trying to do the baby feeds throughout the day, clearing trash, cleaning the house, whatever i could. I try to eat earlier too so she can get her tasks one faster.

Because there isn't any entertainment at home she tends to nag and repeat herself. Sigh. I don't quite believe in all te confinement dos and donts and quite frankly have broken all the rules so far.

The only thing I love during this period is the time spent with Lucas. I am counting the days till my mom return though. Would love an extra pair of helping hands.

Milestone

Everything happened in a blink of an eye. Started at sharp 6 am on 21stfeb, my water bag broke and I was stoned for a while. Got Andrew up and I showered quickly and off we went to the emergency ward. Doctor came soon and I was on a drip to stop contraction and was given antibiotic jab to allow baby's lungs to mature. And there I was, just lying down on the bed for 24 hours. The nurses and doc were full of positive vibes so really I did not have time to think too much.

The following day at 4 am, doc stopped the drip so I could have my contractions. That lasted till 5 .30 pm until I took the epidural. By then it was contractions at every 4 mins at the intensity of 80+. Okla, at least I now how it feels like. Then I was back on the drip to induce faster contraction. Gosh. By 9.45pm, doc said I m ready with 10 cm dilation. The nurses cheered on and Andrew held me while I pushed.

Baby Yeong was out at 10.08pm. Held him for a bit for a quick photo and off they whisked him with Andrew to clean him up and get him registered. Meanwhile I am being stitched up. Man, that was painful as the epidural was low, my legs were shaking real bad. I had to share a ward with one other woman. Middle of the night, I was put on drip again due to bleeding to contract my uterus..gosh. Nurses came to Korek the blood clots. About 8 times having someone fingering you in full force. I think I screamed the loudest then.

Baby was in the incubator the next 5 days. For warming and for photo light. Heart wrenching to see him in that state. I went through a few emotional rides but manageable ones. I stayed positive trying to breastfeed and doing my 4 hourly visits to see him. Sigh.

Doc made me bottle feed and breastfeed him during those few days and it was really treasured time for me. By Monday, doc said we can both leave and I was so relieved and me, Andrew and mom prepared or the homecoming. Andrew spend many days with my mom getting things geared for the homecoming. It is not true that it is only a mother's labour , the dad also plays a significant part. Would not have made it without andrew's support, love and courage.

Stay tuned

Mummy

I am a happy mummy. Waiting to leave the hospital. Daddy did a good job and I am sure it will be a heartfelt homecoming. Thanks to my mum and dad who did everything possible beyond anything to help us new parents. I am thankful and Little Bubu is truly blessed.

A precious gift

I just heard news of another friend who had a miscarriage at 22weeks. It was a baby girl. Sigh. Makes me anxious thinking about it. Men have no idea how that must feel like. I think perhaps only now when I am pregnant that I truly understand the magnitude of pain and loss that she and some others may feel. A baby is truly a precious gift. I am grateful for every kick I feel. Forget about stretch marks and the back pain or swollen feet. Finally, all we want is a safe delivery of our bundle of joy.

Patience....

A friend of mine was telling me about his mom, random things she does that he feels is very silai. Or that she is fickled, difficult and the list goes on. While me and another try to explain to him that elderly people are like that and that we should be patient I don't think he quite get it at all.

If you ask me, in fact, my parents are more tolerant and patient with me than the other way round. Maybe I am lucky.

He continues to complain about things that I find to be so trivial, and I think how did this go wrong? How did a son get this all wrong. Mind you he did not have to worry about financially supporting the mom. It was the emotional support that she yearns for. From what I gather that is. Husband just passed away and it is a major adjustment. For anyone really.

I wonder if my son would think the same? How can I ensure such wrong never happen to me and my son?

My other friend pointed out something. That we too would be old and frailed and helpless one day. And we would hope for someone we can emotionally rely on. Or to exercise patience with our shortcomings and unreasonable ways.

26weeks

Just got back from the doc's. Andrew couldn't come , so he missed a lot today. From the scan, doc said baby is super active. Saw the hand moving about again with the hand behind his head. Doc said be kept moving about so can't take a good picture of him. He is today about 1.2kg, 300g above the normal weight! I am not overweight though so doc said I will have to cut down vitamins and supplements of the baby.

I need to count number of movements too, 10 count in a span of 12 hours. He has moved about 6 times now after 2 hours.... I was shown the labour room entry point and the lift that takes me straight there. Just in case. I might be delivering end of march since baby is big.

That means I need to speed up my preparation. I am usually well prepared... Just that I am now slowing down a bit. Tired and lack of sleep. I hope I will pull through. Thank god for Andrew and my family. How do single mom cope? Whole new respect for all mothers out there as I deal with shoulder ache, tummy ache and backache. And trying to get work done is a feat sometimes.and housework.

14weeks or less! Here we go!

2011review

2011 has been great. I have many things to be grateful of. Especially family, with everyone intact and happy, prospering and with good things ahead. Dad and mom are still going strong and i suspect much healthier than any of us. God has granted mine and Andrew 's wishes to have a baby and so here I am at 6 months plus already!

A year ago I left after I got a promotion with the company I was working for, a big loss of opportunity then...The world works in funny ways because this year I got a promotion with the current company I am working for. Andrew got a promotion too and his ticket to a better portfolio. Double joy for us because every cent we earn now will and has already been channeled to our baby.

With all that's happening , I am gad we manage to go to Phuket and Chiangmai and sealed the year for a family reunion in Singapore. Imn and Jason were back so that makes a complete family of 13 (including baby!).

It is also a year since we are married officially ( Chinese tradition wise) and I am grateful for an understanding, most obliging and thoughtful husband. Must be hard now with an angsty pregnant wife who can be most Mahfan at times. Thanks for putting up with everything and let's gear up for a new life as parents in 2012!

Sisters

I may have at some point written about my twin sister, Imn, but probably not as much about my 2 elder sisters. Probably the best gifts from my parents and God, I have the best sisters in the world and I am truly grateful. It does make me think if I ever want to have a second child...but that's for another post.

I guess the age difference of about 7 and 8 years, does play a part. I look up to my 2 elder sisters for advice in so many many things, sometimes I think I may be so mahfan, but hey, that's the beauty of sisterhood! One of my earliest memory was probably when I was about 9 years old. I remember I was propped up on a bed and reading one of those classic books. You know, those with a lot of difficult words. I got my eldest sis, Tache, to read beside me and I remember pestering her whenever I got through a difficult word, "what does this mean?" Hehe, I must have been a pain, but I remember she tried her best to explain, but there were some she'd just exclaim, "It just is, sze!" Growing up when she was in Singapore, I remember her visits back, and driving us to get laksa in Ipoh Jaya.....ah.....weird as it seems, she was the one who discovered that laksa shack we all loved so very much. She also transformed from a non-foodie to a foodie, so my memory of going to Singapore was her taking us to sample nice stuff. About last year, she went through an enlightenment period, and some her advice just stuck in my mind..."Don't try to change others, change yourself and how you react to it". I find myself repeating that to many people in various situation, and recently to my in-laws too (errr, long story). Another thing that stuck, was when she told that she could always rely on our (the 4 sisters) opinions because we are the only ones who would give her the blunt truth. Yeah, and that was when they made me parade in my wedding gown/cheongsam to get an Ok from them. hehe.

My 2nd sister is a softie. We stayed together for a few years when I was in college and well, must have been odd for her taking care of her 2 little sisters while she herself was still in university. I remember our trips to 1 utama by bus, sifting through Reject Shop, or her sending me to Bangsar Baru Mcdonalds in her beat up Volkswagen every morning, and our weekend trips to TMC with Uncle Chong (where she's mostly half-dazed due to late night partying). As I grew up and then we all lived together in Taman Desa for a good 4 years, I must say it was quite a crowd. One of the best times. Right now, I stay near my sister, and loved going back there to play with my nephew, babysitting him, and having my meals there.

I wont say much about my twin as I've posted one about her before. We are sisters of different levels, coz it's just a twin thing, and it's hard to compare it with anything else. If you have a sister, whether you think the relationship is sour or not, appreciate her because no one makes a better best friend than a sister! ( I dont have a brother so I dont know what having a brother is like..)

Domestic Abuse???

I am shocked to learn that my dear friend was beten up by her ex boyfriend. As she recalled the incident, I realize that she jumbled the sequence and the details were sketchy. I was completely baffled and was out of words really. It was nothing I could relate to. She did not occur to me to be the meek type or hardly a candidate for domestic abuse but I guess there is no way of profiling a victim! She said she was traumatized I mean who wouldn't be. So traumatized and afraid that she evn gave the guy a ride. Odd but we should not be judgemental. There is never a right SOP for these kind of things and I suppose she did whatever she thought would keep her safe. I Am glad she made the right choice to lodge a polic report. I just hope this be a lesson learnt for all women out there. Always have your guards up!