2020

What a year this has been, and what a ride it has been and continues to be ! It’s the year of the covid19 pandemic. I can’t remember the last time I was this overwhelmed ; might have been during Lucas first year . But this is way way longer than that. I have I think lost about 9kgs. Probably ran about close to 2500km. Started cooking again daily. The worst was probably the first 3 months as I battle work and Lucas’ online school at home. I think few could relate to this ordeal but keeping sane was a huge feat. So I have probably watched more series than I would have really liked to. There are days when I embraced working from home, but there were also days when I craved for company. I did spent more time with Lucas though I have to admit not all were quality time. It is possible that you may love someone but might not necessarily need to see that person 24hours/day? 

Of Integrity and Such

It’s been the most trying 2 weeks at work - to be mentally fit and stay resilient. I am at my peak but am also at my weakest and most vulnerable. But I feel the ordeal is over but not without my bestie with me. She may not know this but she is somewhat my pillar of strength , it’s comforting to know someone has got my back, someone who has nothing but good intention and love. I know when I am at my darkest hour, I can lean on you. 

Making an Effort

My friend told me yesterday that I should recharge my blog.... so I am going to make an effort thisis year to write more. It was also a conversation about making effort to find time for ourselves. I struggle with that but I have successfully found a routine that works for me to have my time with friends, Lucas , and my own time for things that I enjoy. I am also making and effort to try and celebrate people’s birthdays ( people who matters to me). We often take our close friends for granted because we know they are always there. I try my best to do what I can and for people that I can... but it’s always about making an effort. It’s always easier to say do it tomorrow, call that friend tomorrow. It’s not that hard if you think about how it would make you feel and how the other person would feel. I hope to celebrate my eldest sister’s birthday this year ( in 3 weeks time). Been thinking about her. Peace.

Of friendship and love

I left our dinner place with a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart. One of them said she didn’t want to share our company and I am glad she said that because there isn’t another group I would like to be with than these 3 ladies. It’s not always we find people we can trust, love and care in our lives- I thank god for somehow making our paths cross. It’s been quite a depressing month since my accident....and with these ladies I don’t have to say much. 

Again I am reminded of this story. 

"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."

"Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There. No more; no less.

♥️♥️♥️

My Great Fall

Had a great fall last week. Eyes are bruised and lip got cut. Homebound for 1 week at least. I'll need to wear shades to work next week. But what did i learn?
1) I should really take a break, give my body a break, and my eyes a break.
2) All work can wait! I need to tell myself that.
3) That friends that care are the best! Even if it's a simple text encouragement.
4) I miss my colleagues, I know now that I should appreciate them more.
5) My family, bless them, is also going through some rough patches, but we are the Toh troopers. Nothing is impossible for us.


I'm feeling a little gloomy now. Like Eeyore. And there was this story about Pooh and Piglet who tried to cheer Eeyore up, but only offered silence as companionship. That seems to be all that matters. I'm generally a Tigger, so need to get myself up again.

The year I won 5 awards

This year was definitely my year- won 5 awards - dubbed the award winning CP. what a year it has been with many tears and sweat. I was telling my colleague, most of these awards are for the projects that nobody believed in. Nobody supported. Some were even laughed at. I always find it satisfying to make the impossible happen. I find people are so cruel to each other how we put down others’ effort and project. It has been a humbling year. Sadly, the projects where I channeled my most energy at are often the projects that are more tedious which nobody wants to know, behind the scene kinda stuff. But it’s just as rewarding to me in every sense. Every small win matter in that space. And all it matters is that the heart knows. 

Craving for Affirmation

People are funny creatures. People around me are always wanting someone's approval, or another's compliment or someone else to say "you are really good". Who wouldn't want it? But to crave for it...... ? I would just do as I normally would and pray for the best. If I get recognised well yeay for me, and if I don't, the satisfaction of just getting the work done would suffice for me. Not everyone of course thinks the same. People will sometimes ask me - why nobody rewarded them for something that they clearly should get recognised for. Actually I know so many people who has this need to

Be recognised. And to find like minded people can be difficult. I know of 2 like minded colleagues and it's so easy to talk to them. We are not on the kiasu run. Kiasi maybe. And I don't seek for affirmation. Especially from people that I think are not opinion-worthy. We should just be contented - knowing that we have done our very best in everything that we set out to do.

Incompetence

That's the tag line for the week- incompetence of supplier/colleagues, incompetent leaders and incompetent teachers! I have spent the week with various parties almost like a broken record on why we do certain things and how we should do it. I have mentioned to the organisation boss that I am willing to help/teach/do as long as the person is willing to learn. At some point I had to admit some people are just taking on something they cannot handle. They lack the competence to handle any conflicts whether big or small. It can be very "menyampah" working with people in my company who has not worked outside before. Always offering flowery solutions before real diagnosis. I have had bosses before who would have grilled me if I had done that -It didn't matter if I had to dismantle a car or a defective part Or troubleshoot a machine, just get it right. And stop wasting everyone else' time.

The one that is really beyond my control are incompetent leaders... especially if they are my leaders. Sure we have platforms to raise our concerns - but incompetent leaders as I mentioned to my boss need to humble themselves and learn! Whether it hurts their egos or not- I don't really care because incompetent leaders make the subordinates life miserable when the subordinates know the governance and processes better.  If your basics and foundation are weak then you lose all credibility. Zilch. I shut out when they speak. I did confront the person only to reaffirm my stand. I still did whatever I was told to but not without a fight.

It was just Thursday when I sat through what must have been the most unfulfilling business review with a partner who absolutely came prepared to grill us and the supposed leaders in their fluffiness and lack of thorough plan......I sat there baffled that I have worked in worse companies and despite lacking in education, they never let the suppliers hold their balls, they would never enter a meeting without a plan to walk away with what they want. 

And next incompetent teachers- I know Malaysia is full of them, but I don't like to walk out of an issue without having tried my best. And so Lucas scored zero for his Chinese spelling test. The teacher asked for my signature. I signed of course but I queried if the words were too difficult, was there something we can do? Of course I was being naive- she did not reply me however subsequently the words became less difficult.I guess from a teacher I have expected a response. I plan to have a 1:1 with her when report card day comes. 

Yes all in a gist of 5 days. But all , we shouldn't give up . If people are incompetent it doesn't mean we accept it. If you accept it, you are the moron.  I always think one tiny step is better than nothing. Take the step to intervene or do just anything, at least we walk away having tried our best.

Double appreciation

Thursday has been a day of gratefulness. I was really very tired and the thought of going off site for a dispute meeting was not helping at all. Just few days ago on a Sunday I was told I need to cover for a project temporarily due to resource constraints. I was on a double shift almost because stakeholders were demanding. Honestly the thought of going for a holiday scares me because my work would be piling up. Was trying my very best to clear as much backlog as possible.

Then came the call from the MD secretary - the MD wants to see me and the shocked me was stunned to receive an appreciation gift from him for a crisis that happened 2 weeks ago. The humble man said that he knows I am very busy and would just like to take a moment to give me a pandora bracelet. My boss was happy of course she knew I was not the most feminine person around hahah. But it's the thought that counts. So unexpected , I think he has a flair of being unassuming.

On the same day my boss gave me a recognition award for some issues I have managed. She knows I am about to go for a personal trip that would costs me a bomb.

I am indeed blessed and feel truly appreciated. I have already been a silent reformer , an ant worker even so is often overlooked.  But the last few years has been great. Praying for a peaceful working days ahead though! Adios

Pengsan

A colleague pengsan this month - possibly burned out from all the bustle towards the biggest campaign this year. Sigh. Been telling people around me to take it easy. I gotta remind myself too. When I miss a deadline , when I miss the first 5 mins of a meeting, when I juggle 2-3 meetings st the same time...... the company does not collapse because of one person! I find myself pfffting over the really what to me is not the end of the world shit. I often sit through some conversations at work and think to myself why do people react the way they do. Like overreact. Overdoing. Over engineering. My good friend at work, he said something that he often says but only this week I truly get it. He said that we all should just sometimes take a chill pill, take a step back and evaluate if any of the things that we want to do is even in our control? Are we fighting a lost battle? At the end of the day- we are just in it for a ride so just enjoy it la. I spend less time fretting over the whys and hows. 

The Channel

i sat through a discussion yesterday trying to grasp what a digital marketing person want my vendor to produce. Digital marketing guy is asking me to channel it to my vendor because he thinks that I get it and the vendor doesn't. Of course, I think my vendor does get it- but choose to pretend he doesn't, hoping that he will get away without doing it. 

Repeat this 3 times a day for different scenarios, it could be engineering works, marketing, partnership- everyone seems to play this game and I am the moderator/ counselor/instigator/culprit most of the time. 

I wonder if people understand that we sweat the small stuff- what's important in their lives?  I met someone who made a remark to me " you are just like me- we just wanna get the job done". End of rant

Minimalist

People always complicate things - work, holiday, travel, logistics. It could also be I am getting old I guess. Things are simple to me - I know what I want and I just do it if I have the means and time. I declutter every weekend if I could- throwing out things that has no value to me ( people

Who know me would say that I hardly own anything). I donate what I can- Lucas is very privileged ; he had enough toys to last an orphanage, great boh bohs and grandparents that buy him lots of clothes and toys. But truly he has too many he tends to forget he has such and such toys. It may come as a shock to some people but I only have less than 10 pairs of shoes - work/sports/leisure. I don't even carry a handbag to work, everything in the mandatory laptop bag, for security reason and I really don't fancy carrying a handbag. Something most women would not understand hahah. My boss who is the complete opposite of me says I am a plain Jane. To be honest I am not at all offended - it is what makes me who I am. Owning something does not make me happy- maybe just slightly hehehe. What makes me happy well that's another post all together. 

Young Ones

Where I work now I deal with lots of young people in Marketing.... young, energetic and great bunch.  I have to say that millennial this and that or Gen XY this and that are all bullshit. I love the energy that they exude. It's also bullshit to generalise them because just as in my generation there are also different types amongst us. This great bunch that I work worth are never afraid to ask  and learn, they are focused and driven. I respect them on every level- I told my boss the other day that we are never one person's coach because very often we get coached as well- we learn from each other without us knowing it..... I think if we seek for knowledge and be humble to listen, we all can learn. Just because they are younger it doesn't mean that we have nothing to learn from them. Over lunch  with them I learnt that they discovered very early not to take money for granted--and that I should really let Lucas a chance to learn Mandarin. While I know it's an advantage I didn't think of it as a necessity. On days when I need and uplift , their energy really helps.... all the ideas churning sessions- love it ! So those in my generation, before we start generalising the young ones -hear them out and you may learn something today 

Blessed

This is the year to be thankful for many things. My parents for always being there for me to support me still. It's the peace of mind when I am struggling at work that I would never have to worry about Lucas or dinner or housework..... I don't know what I would do without them. 39 and I am blessed to still have them beside me. And Andrew for managing Lucas in an area where I could never excel in -

Play.

Am also grateful for my new role - albeit still in the same company, the struggle of a new environment is eased with my ever funny partner in crime, a boss that I can work with and my boss' boss who is I think probably the best leader in this company. She is selfless, understanding, funny, caring yet demanding and nurturing. Not easy to strike that balance. How do you push someone to greater heights without stressing them out ! For that I am thankful and I hope she never leaves her role!!!! CP , I worry about your health though . We must remember that in our bleakest moment it is not the work that we reminisce on... 

Circle of life

It's been a whirlwind quarter- new job and new experiences. It has also rekindled some of my favourite friendships- isn't it odd how at your most darkest moment that your true friends appear. I think I am still adapting to a new job, new boss, new environment but it's not my first experience. It always seem that it's been everchanging for me - I am yet challenging my comfort zone. It was just maybe 2-3 months ago, my good friend told me in an interview ( I was interviewing him with my boss) that it was the 2nd time in a decade that he was interviewed by me. I must admit that send chills down my spine. So much has happened in a decade, and here we are like a bad tape.

While it is a new job and experience it is a repeat of what I go through year in year out. Change. Frustration. Excitement. Perseverance. A lot of hard work. "If you are going through hell, keep going"- Winston Churchill 

Charity

It amazes me when I hear from friends who would do all sorts of charity whether in church or for some random cause- it's just that I have never been that kind of girl. For some reason it just never really propelled me into ever putting others first that way unless it was a family member. These are strangers after all! My mother who is a Buddhist always tells me- charity starts from home. Why bother with others if you could not even manage your own family / help your relatives etc ? It may just seems strange to some people I think why I hardly donate, why I don't particular feel for any cause. I wonder if I am alone on this.

2015

This year is all about work, health and family. Been a tough year juggling it all and some balls had to drop unfortunately. The new year started with me being diagnosed with hypertension and am still on meds - still work in progress and am aiming to be better by 2016. Work has been crazy, fun, exciting and exhausting , there were some exasperation - of failed project and unexpected outcomes but all shall be good learnings to take to 2016. Lucas is turning into a full grown toddler- I must remind myself he has very delicate spirit despite the mischief and stubbornness. My hope for 2016 is for all in the family to be well and stay well. Money is truly not everything and God almighty reminds us again and again every year. Life is short and we should really really appreciate one another. 

March on

It's been a while , dear blog. What a ride this year has been so far. Work has been crazy and Lucas has grown sooooo much. he is 3 and half - not potty trained 😬, and a real chatterbox now. Whenever I am down with work and need a boost, I just need to give the little one a hug and everything just seems alright. Today he took his sunglasses (rm5 from daiso) and he transformed it into a triangle....a moon....a crab. He beats me at creativity for sure. Work wise, I went to Singspore last week to be s panel speaker- very big deal for me since it's a much coveted summit for peers in this industry.  Was nervous and glad it is over now. This year is also a trying year for the industry that I am in and needless to say this year sees me overloaded but still in high spirits. I am one of those who does not dread Monday mornings. As winston Churchill said " if u are going through hell - march on! 

Words

Lucas has moved from one word to a real chatterbox.
Things he is saying these days .....
Baby Here!!
Hit the ball
Mummy's phone/shoe/shirt
Santa Claus Ho ho ho
Cannot cry/scratch
Come!
Uncle/kor kor/Jie Jie Drum
Draw drum/cup
Poo poo chow chow
Put eye medicine
Take the book
Go outside
Wear shoes
 So proud of u my little preemie boy!

Is this a norm?

After a chat with my close friends I realize we fall into the trap of mommying the husband. Is it because we are more efficient or too anal ? It is the husband just plain out to annoy us by being defiant or are we simply asking for too much??? Perhaps it's time to reevaluate some of our priorities. I must admit my son comes first because he is a child and a child depends on us for almost everything. Many is in the opinion that the woman must almost fulfil every single role - the mother and the wife. But no one speaks of what a man should do as a husband. While the husband is always said to be neglected but no one feels for the woman when she is sidelined by the husband. I like to think that this is not a norm because I do hear of husbands who would give a pat of encouragement for the wife who toiled the whole day for the child.... Or the husband who still remembers to buy flowers and gifts, or at least a simple thank you on a really tough day at home.