Xmas 2012

Merry Christmas my little Bubu. You pooped on us twice today's but had us in a stitch as you marvel innocently at those Christmas trees everywhere! You got yourself a bonus shower too. I took ou to see the gigantic Christmas tree and told you Merry Xmas! It is your firsts and many more to come! This blog is my present to you. A little gift that started from 3 buddies, Kye, your aunt Imn and your Mummy. Read nd hopefully you will know Mummy was more than just an old nag.

2012

It is pretty amazing that we survived the 10 months of Lucas Yeong. Amidst the busy work schedule and us trying to juggle parenthood, and getting a new house. 2012 went by in a flash. And it is a year of humility and love and being grateful.

As a mother I learnt that there are some things beyond our control and god is always watching out for us, there are times when you have to say que sera sera. I remember those moments vividly when Lucas was in the incubator the first week of his life. And when he went back to the hospital for 2 nights because of jaundice.and when he had his first flu.

I am ever grateful to my family especially my mother for showering boundless love to Lucas and us. Our little family unit would not be anything without this love. Mom for taking care of Lucas when I have to work, and dad for entertaining my son who loves the porch under the hot sun. Erche for entertaining him and showering him little hugs and kisses. Book for letting Lucas sleep with mom in the book's household, and letting him bring the house down with his whining! My mom. Has done so much more for me than I can ever to her. A mother's love truly knows no boundary. Yaps told me she learn to appreciate her mother more when she became a mother herself. I could not agree more.

Suddenly a lot of things don't matter anymore. A lot of things seems very petty now that I am a mother. Someone wrote that when a baby is born , a mother is born too and god passes on a bundle of energy to the mother to brave the front for the little ones. How true! Never did I imagine I could find the strength that I have now. Of course a smile and a laugh from Lucas is enough to rejuvenate me. 10 months of a hiatus, and many more to come!

I think Andrew has grown too. It is not easy to deal with a work schedule like his and a demanding wife haha. But I only demand time and devotion because of an advice my friend gave me; kids grow up very fast, and before you know it they will be going off to university and would have their own family. Secretly I love it when Lucas clings to me like a koala bear and it worries me that I am loving it so much that learning to detach when he gets older would be a feat! And I want Andrew to feel that and not miss it.

I count my blessings for my little water dragon and my rooster man!

Lost The Plot?

My phone went bust the other day so I have been using a really old Nokia phone. I love it because really I can chuck it anywhere and I know nobody would want it, the battery lasts for 3 days and it is small so I could keep it in my pocket. Sounds like the perfect phone for me because I really just use the phone for its original intended objective, making calls and receiving calls.

I can't believe the amount of remarks and snickering I got for using that phone, haha! Why la, this phone sooooo pariah! Get an iPhone la. Get an android phone la. Very suaku la. Bla bla bla. So much hoo haa over a phone really.

And the list goes on. Why you stay in a 1 bedroom apartment. Why you don't use a handbag! Why are you driving a Vios still? Why you don't wear any diamonds....

Interestingly enough today I went for a class and touched on self esteem, and how one measures success. It is apparent from the above that people obviously measure success by material that they think represents their status. If that is so, I must be measured to be extremely unsuccessful!

But then it depends on how you measure and what you deem success to be, the trainer continued on. If one does not succumb to peer pressure, what do you truly think success is all about? Mine is really simply to be happy and for the people aroun me to be well taken care of in all aspects in life. Sure money is important but it is not the most important thing to me anyways.

Back to the phone, only my brother in law said it is just phone. Who cares what phone you are using, can function mah can lor. And what we buy or use is really our personal choice and should be respected.

Do you think we Malaysians somehow have lost the plot along the way?  Asians are the biggest spenders for luxury goods with Japan being # 1 and China #2. Malaysians are joining in to the race for the best of the best you can buy and what the market can offer. The catch is that we don't really make as much as the japs or the Chinese.

As I listen to the trainer today I made a mental note that one day, I hope to inspire Bubu to find Real measures of success. It should not always be about money. Every day that we nurture and witness Bubu grow, is a success for me. every milestone is a success for me. And no canggih android phone can beat that.

Exhausted

I so wanted to start writing again since several weeks ago, but I am so overwhelmed these days. I bet all mommies feel this way. Mind you that I am lucky that I don't do night feeds on  weekdays Since Lucas stays with my mom and I only attend to him in the evenings, and weekends. But I am still exhausted. My day begins at 6 am, mad rush to Cyberjaya. My work includes support Malaysia and Netherlands, but I report to the US. Which means night calls! So I clock out by 4pm, rushes to my sister's place and takes over from mom in layan-ing Lucas, shower, feeding and putting him to sleep, and catch dinner in between. All these done by 8pm, and thn I would rush back to my home to get onto my night conference calls, granted not every night but on average 3 night. And all this with doing the laundry and house chores plus doing the bills in between.

I secretly take a breather in the mornings when I reach the office.... Al though these days I am playing catch up with my emails since I get it from around the globe ...sigh. I cherish my lunch hour.... Really it is the only time when I munch my food PROPERLY..... My dinners are always a 5 min meal since Lucas would be cranky wanting to sleep.

Things are not getting any easier at work either since I got the promotion in Nov2011. There are higher expectations and the competitive environment doesn't help. I try to stay grounded and true doing my very best to my own capability. That is about all I aim to do at this point. I am not juggling more plates than I can handle. I want to say that things have not changed but I must admit I had to now prioritize... Some things that in the past I would not have let off so easily I now try to take a  chill pill and let it be. I look at what's worth my time and stress over.

Weekends I get Lucas but the constant shuttling can be overwhelming. I do wish I could have him on weekdays but for now, this is the best solution while keeping myself sane. My target is to have him even weekdays nights before he turns one. I tried to change my current work situation but it does not look promising, so I guess suck it up and just MANAGE it. Sun nights are always tough for me because I have to "return" him to my mom...come Monday I immerse myself in work to sort out the separation anxiety...but by 4 pm... I bolt right out of the office building. I am at my sister's place in 30 mins..... Cyberjaya to Ara Damansara, in 30mins. No joke. Sometimes I am so sleepy I have to remind myself to focus on the road..

It all sounds exhausting but I guess it is part and parcel of what it means to be a mother. Seeing him  grow makes everything else seems frivilous. I never really felt a need to get away from him to meet friends. Usually it is the fathers who feel this way. I made it clear to my boss and friends, my duty as a mother and daughter comes first. So although my mom says take a break, go out with your friends, I can't bear the thought of my 60 something mom juggling between making dinner and taking care of Lucas t the same time. Granted she has a maid, but I should not rely on others if I can help it. Maybe I am just too anal about it, but I made it a point that I would meet my friends only once I put Lucas to sleep. It is very easy for one to just leave it to their wives... As a full time working mom I juggle but I commit to my motherly duties. It is easy to say oh I have too much work, i need to work overtime? But I know if I don make it to my mom's by 5pm, the burden falls on my mom. and not anyone else. Come 4 pm, I just have to tell myself, look you have unfinished work but you have no choice but to stop, and convene once you have attended to your son's needs.. So I end up most of the time continuing work at night.... Or really early morning and sometimes during lunch.

I guess what really irks me is that men don't really have this mindset. They don't mind if the other assumingly more capable women of the likes of moms, moms-in-law or the wife takes on this responsibility. Much has not gone to dwell on the role of the father. In the past men may be the sole breadwinners , but this day and era, that is no longer the case. Women also shares the monetary burden, and I mean the average working mothers. And yet, the women are to date still the Number 1 caregiver. What gives? I don't want to dwell on whether this is fair or not. My take is your loss is my gain. Despite the exhaustion and stress, I gain because I really enjoy seeing him grow day by day. I don't want to just play with him at my convenience. I really want to be involved and be part of his first few years. Sadly, men don't see it that way. They like to take care of their child WHEN it is convenient for them. When work is done.

Some thinks that I am too intense... Or tensed up... But I rather have something passionate to live for, and if not for my son, then what else?

Senile

I was walking out of my sister's place and saw an old lady walking with an umbrella as her tongkat. She said hi and I said hi back. Then she turned back and scolded the maid to leave her.... And go away. At first I thought the maid was disturbing her, but i don't think she would coz she looked like some little girl. Then the old lady proceeded to walk in the middle of the road! Very slowly too I might add. Mom then saw me still outside and went out to have a look she then clarified that the old lady was her friend's sister..... Senile and the maid was told to follow her in case she doesn't know how to come home! Sad. I mean it is more than sad. It is also disturbing that this could happen to any one of us. My mom then also added that she is a spinster. Sigh. As we grow older, I guess our fears have changed. Can't help but worry when I grow old too. 

Hickory dickory dock?

I sing this nursery rhyme almost everyday.... And many other nursery rhymes everyday, not really having a clue if Lucas loves it or understands it. Until few days ago, Lucas laughed and chuckled excessively when I sang this ( with my fingers running up and down his body!).... Wow. It is really one of those indicators of his milestones.

And the motivation for this was that mom told me not to be lazy. Babies do hear and understand and feel things. And I am always reminded by mom and also my memories of my eldest sister reading and singing with my niece. I now know it is not a simple task. I hav not begun reading him stories o just doing songs with him for now. Mom also says my eldest sister would flash cards at my niece .... And that perhaps contributed to my niece good reading and spoken English....

I wonder if I could be as good. I recently joined a Facebook group called Mummies Connect and boy those mothers really makes you feel inadequate because they really go all the way and by all means for their little ones.

Call it kiasuness.... But if you do nothing you may regret it or there is this gnawing thought that says, man what kind of Mother are you? Or you are not doing enough! Or you have not one all you could for him to realize his potentials...... So yes, the guilt trips will never end unfortunately.

So I guess just strive on and enjoy the process. I try not to stress myself out. My sister once told me the best art class is no art class because it will just limit a child's creativity if someone has to tell you draw a flower as how you would perceive it. So there are just some things that Lucas will just have to explore on his own.....

Till then....I am doing overtime to up my list of nursery rhymes. The boy is getting bored. And that is with almost 15 nursery rhymes sung repeatedly ok......

The Other Me

Met my two old buddies from university today for a catch up session. One is married without kid, and the other has a 14 month old tagging along. I brought Lucas and Andrew came along. Well, nowadays I don't go anywhere with Lucas without Andrew. I am just not good at that yet somehow. And here is my friend with her 14 month old, chasing after him while yakking with us and even attempted to carry Lucas. Some women just have the flair with kids! The other friend pointed out that I looked so worn out compared to her... I couldn't agree more! We are close that way so we can throw comments like that at each other.

I want to be the good mother maybe to the extent of providing basic needs like giving him a shower, feeding or putting him to sleep. When it comes to playtime, daddy is the man. It just doesn't come naturally to me. I could sing nursery rhymes because I have many i know by heart but that is as far as it goes. Andrew could think of Mr Bug, Mr Rabbit etc etc and spend hours at playtime.

So I guess this is how our partnership goes. Daddy plays with Lucas and I provide him the bare necessities. Friend says we havent really have a good collaboration yet, but I guess it will take time. We have gone a long way from not even being able to carry and feed him properly, least now we could take him out on our own and spend a wholesome weekend with Lucas.

I did point out that motherhood doesn't come with a manual. And that not every woman is born with the maternal instincts despite what books say! I love Lucas to bits and love spending time with him but I truly am not sure if I could be a stay-at-home mom. I recently joined a mummies forum on fb and really those gungho mummies just make the rest of us feel really inadequate.

But I guess it is just how much you want that to affect you. I accept my shortcomings and will work around it. Even Lucas now knows to turn to daddy for playtime and me for nap time! Babies! You think they are cut and helpless but they really are not! Wound me and Andrew round his tiny little crooked last finger! ( genetically crooked).

In a way I am glad I got a boy. Cannot imagine if my 'daughter' wanna do girlie stuff with me. Absolute failure in that area!

Baby friendly places

I try to avoid mega malls but rather go to those fit for purpose malls that can feed me and allow me to buy some essentials and clean diaper changing rooms. On my quest to find some good places here are my list so far Citta Mall- can makan , coffee and decent diaper changing room. Could be better Sunway Giza- Camyland is there and so is Village Grocer so I am here most weekends because it is a one stop place. There are plenty of eating places and cafes so that I can feed Lucas when I need to. Tropicana City Mall- our first visit yesterday because I absolutely needed a haircut and I am just so cheapskate that I had to get those quick cuts type. Lucas did a poop and I hunted down a fantastic surprise. There is a baby room... For breastfeeding and diaper room. Also has a potty room for kids. There is a caretaker there too. Nice find. Also coz the place is somewhat conveniently ner my house and has Carrefour, bakeries, Ninja joes. Haven't ventured to many places so far.went to Gardens and Setia Alam mall but they are too big and although has somewhat the necessary facilities, you always end up tired because you are hunting for places and long walks before you get to the car park. Sometimes baby just wanna go home and sleep so I would probably wait till Lucas is older before we go there again. Anyhow, I am looking more non malls.... For the time being we gotta go there since both me and Andrew don't have the time to buy our own stuff and do grocery. In time.. I am sure we will manage better. Any recommendation for non-malls?

Of husbands and fathers

Interestingly, my mom asked what I thought of having kids before marriage.. She was in support of it only because she has seen too many husbands who stray or just don't care about raising a child together..where the wife always assume that role.... Well I count my blessings for a wonderful husband and who is now a great father to Lucas. Sure I grumble and nag at him, honestly it is only for the sake of Lucas, Lthough my mom always reminds me Lucas is also Andrew's son so of course he wants the best for him too. Ok la, maybe it is my OCD and I am too fussy. But I guess I don't praise him enough for trying to do feeds, to carry him, to entertain him... And really he has not gone out with his friends for a long time, for trying his best to finish work early although he hardly could, for chauffeuring us up and down carrying all that stuff, for buying my meals over the weekend... For his patience when Lucas is testing mine, for trying to help middle of the night when I am trying to pacify Lucas, for sleeping on the floor so I can watch over Lucas at night.... This is just another milestone... As our Bubu grows up, we will face many more, I am just glad I have a great man and father beside me. Happy Father's Day, dear!

Unselfish

We don't really know what is being unselfish until you have your own family. Before I had Lucas, I lived for myself. Partially for Andrew but mostly for myself really. After one gets married, you tend to think in a unit... Me and Andrew we form a little organization. But after the arrival of Lucas, he is our empire...I have lost track of expenses... And sometimes admittedly I leave my work aside and head home sharp at 4 pm these days. I don't even care my fingers are sometimes smeared with his shit... That my back hurts because if his weight while carrying him. That he pees AT me sometimes. Unselfish..but then I try not to lose myself. Once a month I drag myself away from Lucas and get out and spend time with friends. A colleague of mine said you gotta go out eventually... Just to get your sanity back. And it helped really.

Our Fridays are never the same again.....

Every Friday morning Andrew sends me to my sister's place so that I can perform my motherly duties and give my mom a break while I work from home. You see, weekdays Bubu is with my mom coz he is having his 3 am feed still and my mom is just great like that. Anyways, at the end of the evening, I would be packing because Bubu goes home with us for the weekend. By the time we reach our condo, Andrew is armed with, my laptop, his bag, the bath tub, the bouncer, milk powder, sometimes grocery or diapers and one diaper bag....and me carrying Bubu. Today is the same, but as we reached the access door to our block, he suddenly exclaimed "I am so proud to be a dad!" .....armed with the works of coz. That somehow just made my day. We will look back on today and remember how much we love our Bubu...

Separation anxiety part 2.

I recently went out on a wednesday night to publika to meet my friends... Without Bubu. You have no idea what a battle I had with myself! But it was time to be social again to keep myself sane. Not that I really needed it, ok so maybe I am in a little denial mode..but leaving my son at my sister's place weekdays is already killing me. I can't really bring myself to miss my evenings with him. Sigh. I never thought I would be like this, sometimes hugging him endlessly while he snoozes...Bubu, you are the new love in my life! Sorry Andrew, haha!

Our new home

I actually really love our current home because it is small and compact, which makes cleaning super easy. Also because of my OCD tendencies, I think a big house will drive me nuts. Alas, with our little addition in the family and also so that he won't have a nomadic life( in the hope that mom n dad would stay with us), we recently bought a double story terrace house. It is pretty far but nowadays nothing is cheap and we can't expect great location without paying a lot. Well, at least we won't have toilet dilemmas anymore... My current place only has 1 bathroom..so we usually can't have too big a party, or we would rent the BBQ area by the pool. Hopefully with thenew place we could have more people coming over. We shall see.

100th day

Lucas has come a long way. He is surely our little fighter boy. From a mere 2.24kg he is now more than 5 kg! Even mummy and daddy have graduated from being totally clueless to oh well less clueless in taking care of him. he has some minor milestones like smiling, hearing sounds, tossing his head from side to side and his neck is getting stronger too. I am glad he is not afraid of the cold anymore. He doesn't need to wear preemie clothes anymore too. We have also taken him out a few times and well that is a milestone for us! I am gad we made it past a few hurdles, first his incubator for warming, jaundice, running nose, cough , fever....now he has slight eye discharge but I think it is going away! Can't wait for him to crawl. Not sure how to make him do tummy time though.... Well, we will learn together!

Adjusting...

Sloppiness really irks me because it shows you don't care enough to do things right. So if there is nothing you care enough to do things right, that also shows you have no pride in anything. I like to think that I tried my best at least at work, housework and taking care of Bubu. Just this week I pushed myself to get some work done in advance for next week, and tried to do all my housework tonight 30mins before my conference call at 9pm. I have also diligently tried to get to my sister,s place by 5 pm so that I can take over from my mom and essentially giving her a break. Sometimes we take her for granted and I tell myself that really there is no excuse for me to be late , I would just need to make adjustment and manage my time. I should not expect my mom to assume the role of the main caregiver. Just because she doesnt complain does not mean it is easy for her. It is all the more important that we strike a work life balance. It is rather disappointing that sometimes as women we are expected to be the main caregiver and to sacrifice our career. I believe as parents we all should make an effort, after all women bring in money to the household too. I think if you want to bring a child to this world, be responsible.dont rely on others.

I started a joke...

And another gibb bites the dust... Some of my favorites are Run to me, I started a joke, Heartbreaker.... Rip

Bitching

I can't believe I am back at work after a tumultuous 2 months after delivery. First 2 weeks at work was frankly uncomfortable. I was out of touch from the real world and was not too anxious to leave the me and Bubu world so soon. Also because it was back to a lot of bitching at work. There seems to be endless stream of things and people that irritate me at work. I do blame the environment and the way the company is set up where there are too many people doing small segments of work. People are spoilt and really too idle so they resort on bitching and whining bout work. Sigh. For that, although I love my very few selected lunch partners that I adore, I look forward to leave at 4 pm sharp everyday so I can make it in time to see Bubu and make it to his 6pm feed. Lame but holding him in my arms makes me feel that all that sadness and angst at work seems so minute. It is a vicious cycle because I would have to leave him every night and go back to work at night attending night conference calls and sit through lame work stuff. Sigh. To stay positive these days I think we need to just stay out of work related topics during lunch. I think I will advocate that moving forward.

Back to work!

Going back to work coming Monday. Missing Bubu already. I don't feel comfortable leaving him even when it is just n hour or so... How to leave him overnight with my mom for four days in a week......

Also I am so not in the working mode yet. I love working but dread the emails and the workload that piled up since my emergency maternity leave.....

3.5kg

As of last Friday, Bubu is 3.5kg and on to normal formula milk now. Hate to say it but I have given up on breast milk. :(

Postnatal depression

I think it has arrived.postnatal depression. I have not stopped feeling guilty since his birth. The fact that he came early at 33 weeks. I kept trying to remember if I did anything wrong the day before, or throughout the pregnancy. Though I keep telling myself not to, I can't help it. The week at the hospital was probably the hardest time for me.

Everyone told me breast milk is good, but I didn't hv enough to feed him.... Only mum said that is is ok, and told me not to get stressed about it. It didn't help that every friend even if they are not close keep telling me, work harder on getting the breast milk. I wish I could. I don't know if I didn't have enough rest or that I didn't pump more frequently or whether I just worry too much, or I didn't eat enough.

After confinement, I am now doing the feeds around the clock for Lucas. It is tough and rewarding at the same time. Although mum and Andrew helped, it still feel like it is a big weight on my shoulder. Whether I swaddled him correctly, held his neck properly, help him poop, feed him right and on time, or that I still can't shower him properly. Burns my heart when I see him cringe and grunt trying to poo or just being cranky (and I don't know why).

Is it just me, or does every mum feels like she needs to watch over the child all the time. ....

My only comfort is really my mum. She makes it so easy and tries to make it easy for me. She shared a lot of stories and experiences as a mom that just says everything will be ok and that I should take it easy and not to worry too much. Seeing her day in day out doing all the motherly chores so diligently makes me feel things will be ok.

Full moon!

Lucas reached another milestone. Today marks the 1 st month..... It has been a trying month but as most mothers will say preemies are fighters. All's well and as hard as it may be I am starting to have breast milk although not a lot, but the doc said even 10ml is good enough. This is also thhe month I started to learn to feed, wipe his shit, change his diapers and swaddling him. Still learning , it is tougher than any job really. Next week would be another tough star to a month, but looking forward to it. Being parents is most rewarding but it is also a lifelong commitment.

Anxious

Confinement lady leaves on the 25 th. then I am on my own. Thank god mom is back and she would be helping me out the next month. Hoping for the best for myself and especially Bubu.

The confinement lady

With the early arrival of Bubu, I was lucky that I got the replacement confinement lady in time. My mom was also scheduled fr a trip to UK to visit my sis so I was really lucky that the confinement lady in time. at first it was weird having someone else in the house and also to surrender my kitchen and baby chores to her. But I guess we all have to adapt.

I decided to change my attitude and decided to be friends with her. Sure she is naggy and often repeats herself....So I started to get to know her better. In between we swoon over Bubu. When I need a break I take a nap or go to my IPad. And took this chance to learn as much as I could about tending to baby's needs (mind you, there isn't an SOP since Bubu's habits change as the day goes by).

She seems to have had a tough life, two kids with a no-good husband who couldn't stay on a job permanently. So she had a really interesting set of odd jobs to make ends meet. Mahjong centre, maid in Japan, kopitiam, hawker, chef ( I am still discovering). She is also sama kampung as my mom which delighted my mom coz she only met Auntie once before my mom went off to Uk. My mom said I will be in good hands. One of her sons is doing well, staying just nearby in a far bigger house than ours with a maid. The other son is an Ah Long ( errr, all the more I should be friendly with her). Asked her why bother working then ... Confinement jobs are tough! Seriously! Imagine dealing with a cranky woman with postnatal mood swings, and a wailing baby and at the same time adapting to a new place while doing house chores etc. She said no work makes Jack a dull boy, in short.

I guess every reason has his/ her stories to share. And we all can learn from just about anyone if we wanted to. I learnt that caring for a baby really requires a lot patience and observation.... It is not like work when we can hentam and sometimes get away with it. I also learnt about determination, she too is a mother and she shared about her labour of love to her two sons. Until now, she tries to think of ways to open a business for his youngest son. Despairs me when I hear her calling people to find jalan for the son, and it was just recently she had to close down a kopitiam that she opened for the son. Salut.

nyone wants recommendation let me know.

Umbilical cord

Bubu's umbilical cord got detached yesterday whilst having his shower. The special bond between me and him when I was pregnant. I guess it is a milestone as it marks his 14th day. Mom said to store it in an Angpow and keep it stashed somewhere in the house. I waited for Andrew to do this since he is the dad.

Grow well, Bubu.

Confinement

I got myself a confinement lady to help out during the first month. As u already know, baby Lucas came early and in the chaos luckily we got a replacement pretty quickly. The confinement month is meant for me to rest while the confinement lady tends to my needs and the baby' s.

It really seems like a super duper heavy job for one woman alone. In the mornings she cooks brunch for me, showers the baby, and make the yucky herbal bath for me. We usually then take Lucas for a sun tan before 10am. Thereafter she takes care of the baby in terms of feeding and cleaning his poo and urine. That is until way in the evening were she then makes dinner ala confinement cuisine. After dinner she then carries on to feed Lucas in the wee hour of the morning. Tough job, and may I just say these one are over 50 plus.

Well, I now know it is truly an impossible task (except of my mom who is as efficient as a bee). So far I have been trying to do the baby feeds throughout the day, clearing trash, cleaning the house, whatever i could. I try to eat earlier too so she can get her tasks one faster.

Because there isn't any entertainment at home she tends to nag and repeat herself. Sigh. I don't quite believe in all te confinement dos and donts and quite frankly have broken all the rules so far.

The only thing I love during this period is the time spent with Lucas. I am counting the days till my mom return though. Would love an extra pair of helping hands.

Milestone

Everything happened in a blink of an eye. Started at sharp 6 am on 21stfeb, my water bag broke and I was stoned for a while. Got Andrew up and I showered quickly and off we went to the emergency ward. Doctor came soon and I was on a drip to stop contraction and was given antibiotic jab to allow baby's lungs to mature. And there I was, just lying down on the bed for 24 hours. The nurses and doc were full of positive vibes so really I did not have time to think too much.

The following day at 4 am, doc stopped the drip so I could have my contractions. That lasted till 5 .30 pm until I took the epidural. By then it was contractions at every 4 mins at the intensity of 80+. Okla, at least I now how it feels like. Then I was back on the drip to induce faster contraction. Gosh. By 9.45pm, doc said I m ready with 10 cm dilation. The nurses cheered on and Andrew held me while I pushed.

Baby Yeong was out at 10.08pm. Held him for a bit for a quick photo and off they whisked him with Andrew to clean him up and get him registered. Meanwhile I am being stitched up. Man, that was painful as the epidural was low, my legs were shaking real bad. I had to share a ward with one other woman. Middle of the night, I was put on drip again due to bleeding to contract my uterus..gosh. Nurses came to Korek the blood clots. About 8 times having someone fingering you in full force. I think I screamed the loudest then.

Baby was in the incubator the next 5 days. For warming and for photo light. Heart wrenching to see him in that state. I went through a few emotional rides but manageable ones. I stayed positive trying to breastfeed and doing my 4 hourly visits to see him. Sigh.

Doc made me bottle feed and breastfeed him during those few days and it was really treasured time for me. By Monday, doc said we can both leave and I was so relieved and me, Andrew and mom prepared or the homecoming. Andrew spend many days with my mom getting things geared for the homecoming. It is not true that it is only a mother's labour , the dad also plays a significant part. Would not have made it without andrew's support, love and courage.

Stay tuned

Mummy

I am a happy mummy. Waiting to leave the hospital. Daddy did a good job and I am sure it will be a heartfelt homecoming. Thanks to my mum and dad who did everything possible beyond anything to help us new parents. I am thankful and Little Bubu is truly blessed.

A precious gift

I just heard news of another friend who had a miscarriage at 22weeks. It was a baby girl. Sigh. Makes me anxious thinking about it. Men have no idea how that must feel like. I think perhaps only now when I am pregnant that I truly understand the magnitude of pain and loss that she and some others may feel. A baby is truly a precious gift. I am grateful for every kick I feel. Forget about stretch marks and the back pain or swollen feet. Finally, all we want is a safe delivery of our bundle of joy.

Patience....

A friend of mine was telling me about his mom, random things she does that he feels is very silai. Or that she is fickled, difficult and the list goes on. While me and another try to explain to him that elderly people are like that and that we should be patient I don't think he quite get it at all.

If you ask me, in fact, my parents are more tolerant and patient with me than the other way round. Maybe I am lucky.

He continues to complain about things that I find to be so trivial, and I think how did this go wrong? How did a son get this all wrong. Mind you he did not have to worry about financially supporting the mom. It was the emotional support that she yearns for. From what I gather that is. Husband just passed away and it is a major adjustment. For anyone really.

I wonder if my son would think the same? How can I ensure such wrong never happen to me and my son?

My other friend pointed out something. That we too would be old and frailed and helpless one day. And we would hope for someone we can emotionally rely on. Or to exercise patience with our shortcomings and unreasonable ways.

26weeks

Just got back from the doc's. Andrew couldn't come , so he missed a lot today. From the scan, doc said baby is super active. Saw the hand moving about again with the hand behind his head. Doc said be kept moving about so can't take a good picture of him. He is today about 1.2kg, 300g above the normal weight! I am not overweight though so doc said I will have to cut down vitamins and supplements of the baby.

I need to count number of movements too, 10 count in a span of 12 hours. He has moved about 6 times now after 2 hours.... I was shown the labour room entry point and the lift that takes me straight there. Just in case. I might be delivering end of march since baby is big.

That means I need to speed up my preparation. I am usually well prepared... Just that I am now slowing down a bit. Tired and lack of sleep. I hope I will pull through. Thank god for Andrew and my family. How do single mom cope? Whole new respect for all mothers out there as I deal with shoulder ache, tummy ache and backache. And trying to get work done is a feat sometimes.and housework.

14weeks or less! Here we go!